Monday, December 30, 2013
Looking Forward: 2013 into 2014
It never ceases to amazing me how good God is each year. I have been given blessing upon blessing every single year. This coming year, though I already know more or less what I’m going to be doing (school), there are many ways in which I hope to grow and see God move.
Here in New York, I’ve discovered how difficult it is to find alone time with God. It’s true, this city never sleeps. There are people everywhere, all the time. I share a bedroom with someone who does not believe in God, and though she very much respects my faith, I am unable to practice much of my faith in the room the way I’d like to out of respect for her. The most Christian fellowship I am able to find in my life is a couple of hours on Sunday at Hillsong NYC.
When I first moved here, on the second day I just laid on my bed and felt the peace and presence of God all around me. I haven’t really felt him that way since then. The energy of this city is so anxious, nervous, stressed, bitter… it’s so difficult to break through to his peace, especially when I have no where I can go to get alone with him.
All of this information began to sink in near the end of the semester into our winter break when I felt myself starving for his presence in my life. Also, with the heart break of my Grandpapa’s death Wednesday, December 4th, the death of his brother, Vernon, the following Monday, and a few other personal struggles that God has been pulling to the surface of my life, I felt the desperate need to fight for my relationship with him even more.
When God brought me here, I didn’t anticipate how difficult it would be. God knew, and there is no condemnation in my life for it. When I confessed my heart to Him about how it hurt to be so distant from Him, he reassured me that I was “doing just fine.” I smiled in relief and accepted his grace in the moment.
Isn’t it funny how sometimes we expect so much from ourselves? I was feeling as if I should have done better and condemning myself for my lack of devotion. Yet, here GOD is, knowing where I’m at, knowing that it was where I was going to be at, and being completely full of grace. In the moment that I was talking to him about how sorry I was that I hadn’t made him my number one focus over the semester, I felt like I had failed him somehow.
Here’s a thought: How do you fail God if you've allowed him to be 100% in control of your life? How do you “fail” a God whose affections you can never earn, from whose love is freely given and you never deserved in the first place? We are nothing without him and He continues to give His love freely. I don’t think there is any “failing God”. I think there is only receiving his mercy, grace, and love, or not.
I don’t believe in New Year resolutions because they rarely work. But this coming year, this is where I’ve been praying that God will grow in my life in order to stay strong in my relationship with him.
Constant Prayer
Anytime I begin to struggle with someone or something, immediately jump into prayer and thanksgiving for God’s amazing work in my life. Something I realized over my visit to Dallas last week: God knows what’s best for me. SURPRISE! But often I get into a place of pouting and questioning God’s character and his plan for my life.
“Why God, WWWHHYYY!!!!!”
Really? No, Clara, stop. Praise him, that though you don’t understand what is happening and why, God has a plan. God hasn’t failed you yet! He knows what’s best for you! Thank him! It’s amazing how thanksgiving and praise turns your spirit around.
Teach me how to study to Bible
Frankly, I’ve never been good at studying. Often, I have a little bit of a reading comprehension issue. I get bored, zone out, give up. But I want to know the word of God in a new way. I need to know what the word says. I want to see the connections. So this year, I’m praying that I learn how to study.
Teach me how to be more disciplined
I can’t say I’m the most disciplined person. I know how to organize… I just don’t stay organized. Homework? Cleaning? Just overall responsibility and initiative. Yeah… More discipline please.
Also, there’s a book that the Lord put on my heart to write about Christianity, The Holy Spirit, and the Theatre Arts. I have all the resources I need to write it (actually in my back pack right now) that I’ve collected over the years about theatre history, acting, directing - all I need. But I have no idea how to approach and organize it yet. There’s so much information and so many questions about how to say it: Who am I talking to? How much to I expect my audience to already understand about the subject? etc. This is going to take a lot of discipline to study and work to make it happen.
Letting go
There are parts of my life that I have been trying to give to God, but feel that I’ve never really been able to 100% hand to him in faith. He’s bringing me through some eye opening trials and test this season that have shown me where I haven’t put him first in my life. I want those specific areas of my life to be given to him once and for all.
2013 - Thank you God for an AMAZING year! Your constant provision bringing me to NYC and getting me into Graduate school Connecting me with Hillsong NYC and the amazing friends I have made there!
And here’s to welcoming in the New Year with God in charge! I welcome all that you have for me Lord, and I believe you have many good things in store for my life this year! And whatever actually happens with the list above is all in your hands. (It’s been said, “If you wanna make God laugh, tell him your plans!”) But I want to enter this year with you on my mind and in my heart.
What are you praying for in your walk with God for 2014?
I pray that you are blessed beyond measure with amazing stories to tell!
Saturday, October 19, 2013
View Into Homeless Culture
I've lived in New York for almost five months now. The city has lost quite a bit of it's luster. I blame it on routine. School is going well. Of course, it's a lot of hard work. It better be if I'm going tens of thousands of dollars in debt to pay for it. I've been encouraged, humbled, embarrassed, exhausted, and I've cried several times. But that's all just part of the process.
I have noticed this week, however, that living here has begun to change me and my awareness. I've actually become less aware of my surroundings and the people around me. I've become less considerate. When I began school and became focused on my own little world, all of a sudden I was less interested in the people around me. I've focused on what I need, where I'm going... I understand better now why NY is the way it is. Now that I've caught myself, I'm hoping to zoom out from my life a bit and remember the basics.
Tonight was so neat. I spent about two hours with this girl named Melanie. I met Melanie in early August. She was panhandling in on Broadway near NYU. She's 17-years-old and has been on the street for a few months now. We've talked a couple times in the past, but tonight I just started asking her questions. She started telling me everything about the culture of homelessness, everyone's nicknames, slang terms, the police, informants, the drugs - all the ins and outs of living on the street in the lower east side of Manhattan. It was the most riveting conversation I've had in weeks.
She's agreed to help me by telling me more because I'm writing a song cycle for one of my classes that is focused around a community of homeless people. I'd also like to write a full length musical in the future about a community of homeless people. I want to do this because I believe they are severely misunderstood at times. I'm so excited to have the opportunity to get to know some people who live that life so that I can represent it correctly. It's stories like these that get me fired up to write musicals.
On that note, I unfortunately have to work on homework and write about things I could care less about... like sandwiches...
Pray for me that I get inspiration for these ridiculous prompts!
I have noticed this week, however, that living here has begun to change me and my awareness. I've actually become less aware of my surroundings and the people around me. I've become less considerate. When I began school and became focused on my own little world, all of a sudden I was less interested in the people around me. I've focused on what I need, where I'm going... I understand better now why NY is the way it is. Now that I've caught myself, I'm hoping to zoom out from my life a bit and remember the basics.
Tonight was so neat. I spent about two hours with this girl named Melanie. I met Melanie in early August. She was panhandling in on Broadway near NYU. She's 17-years-old and has been on the street for a few months now. We've talked a couple times in the past, but tonight I just started asking her questions. She started telling me everything about the culture of homelessness, everyone's nicknames, slang terms, the police, informants, the drugs - all the ins and outs of living on the street in the lower east side of Manhattan. It was the most riveting conversation I've had in weeks.
She's agreed to help me by telling me more because I'm writing a song cycle for one of my classes that is focused around a community of homeless people. I'd also like to write a full length musical in the future about a community of homeless people. I want to do this because I believe they are severely misunderstood at times. I'm so excited to have the opportunity to get to know some people who live that life so that I can represent it correctly. It's stories like these that get me fired up to write musicals.
On that note, I unfortunately have to work on homework and write about things I could care less about... like sandwiches...
Pray for me that I get inspiration for these ridiculous prompts!
Monday, August 26, 2013
Anchored
Summer went by just as quickly as I thought it would. I finally feel like living here is normal. I'm so thankful that I moved here as early as I did since it took every minute for me to become comfortable in my new surroundings.
Orientation begins in two days. I'm excited to begin. But more than anything, I'm thankful that I'm beginning classes focused and relaxed.
The truth is, New York City has brought out some negative parts about myself that, in the past, weren't surfaced enough to actually be dealt with. I knew those issues were there, I just never had an environment push me far enough for them to surface.
So much of this city is broken and angry. There always seems to be someone yelling somewhere. Then there are the people who are just inappropriate. My roommate Hannah and I have often laughed about the ways we react to being cat-called and sometimes touched. I've gone from just ignoring it to becoming so annoyed that I've honestly wanted to loudly confront them with not-so-loving words. It's a tough place to live.
(For the women in my life: Seriously, do not be alarmed. I don't need to be protected, it's all more-or-less harmless stuff. It's just annoying. All females who live in the city deal with it.)
I've been tested most at my work place. Confronted with constant negativity, gossiping, complaining, and pretty disgusting humor, I've had a difficult time holding my ground. I would be lying if I told you I didn't cuss at anyone, have a negative attitude, or say negative things about people. I'm far from proud of my actions. I realized I have no reason to blame it on the people around me. My actions are a direct reflection of the condition of my heart. It's my issue. After a while I became very upset with my inability to control what came out of my mouth, as well as the rage that boiled up towards my co-workers. I became extremely mad at a few of the people who encouraged my negative behavior and enjoyed hearing me curse and become angry, finding it entertaining. Each time, my heart would sink a little in disappointment. I would think to myself, "This is not Christ-like at all".
Last night at Hillsong NYC, Pastor Brian talked about two things. His first sermon was about how where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. The Holy Spirit is freedom, He is free to move however he wishes. If there is bondage or fear in a part of your life, invite the Holy Spirit to be there.
The second sermon was about anchoring yourself in him because there is nothing greater than Jehovah. Our hope is anchored in him by to immutable things: His oath and his promise. When an oath is taken, it's taken by a name or a person higher than the person taking the oath. God to an oath with himself because there is no name higher than his own. And because God cannot lie, he cannot break that oath or promise.
I realized that I have not been anchoring myself in him the last few months like I should, nor have I been inviting his Holy Spirit into the areas of my life that were not stable. During worship, Father brought back moments in my life in the form of pictures, reminding me of the heart he gave me, who he made me to be, and how he was with me every step of the way. He showed me image after image, and I felt his peace over me. What is so amazing about Father is that I can mess up, and miss represent, and be unloving, yet he still receives me and sees me as clean and perfect because of Jesus. I wasn't condemned or put in "time out" for my inability to be loving or a good example. He simply reminded me of the goodness in my heart. Overcoming these trials were just part of the process of healing, learning and relearning to anchor myself in Him and his word.
It isn't easy to be like Jesus, especially in this city. My prayer is that He gives me inspiration for new and creative ways to be like Him in this crazy place. The summer is basically over now and a new season is beginning as I dive into the real reason God has me here. I'm thankful that I'm beginning school with the reminder to anchor myself in Him as well as a foundation in an amazing church of loving friends who encourage me in my relationship with Him. He knows all, His timing his perfect, and everything he does works in my favor, even though I may not understand it.
Hold onto your faith! Take courage and anchor yourself in him! He IS with you!
Orientation begins in two days. I'm excited to begin. But more than anything, I'm thankful that I'm beginning classes focused and relaxed.
The truth is, New York City has brought out some negative parts about myself that, in the past, weren't surfaced enough to actually be dealt with. I knew those issues were there, I just never had an environment push me far enough for them to surface.
So much of this city is broken and angry. There always seems to be someone yelling somewhere. Then there are the people who are just inappropriate. My roommate Hannah and I have often laughed about the ways we react to being cat-called and sometimes touched. I've gone from just ignoring it to becoming so annoyed that I've honestly wanted to loudly confront them with not-so-loving words. It's a tough place to live.
(For the women in my life: Seriously, do not be alarmed. I don't need to be protected, it's all more-or-less harmless stuff. It's just annoying. All females who live in the city deal with it.)
I've been tested most at my work place. Confronted with constant negativity, gossiping, complaining, and pretty disgusting humor, I've had a difficult time holding my ground. I would be lying if I told you I didn't cuss at anyone, have a negative attitude, or say negative things about people. I'm far from proud of my actions. I realized I have no reason to blame it on the people around me. My actions are a direct reflection of the condition of my heart. It's my issue. After a while I became very upset with my inability to control what came out of my mouth, as well as the rage that boiled up towards my co-workers. I became extremely mad at a few of the people who encouraged my negative behavior and enjoyed hearing me curse and become angry, finding it entertaining. Each time, my heart would sink a little in disappointment. I would think to myself, "This is not Christ-like at all".
Last night at Hillsong NYC, Pastor Brian talked about two things. His first sermon was about how where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. The Holy Spirit is freedom, He is free to move however he wishes. If there is bondage or fear in a part of your life, invite the Holy Spirit to be there.
The second sermon was about anchoring yourself in him because there is nothing greater than Jehovah. Our hope is anchored in him by to immutable things: His oath and his promise. When an oath is taken, it's taken by a name or a person higher than the person taking the oath. God to an oath with himself because there is no name higher than his own. And because God cannot lie, he cannot break that oath or promise.
I realized that I have not been anchoring myself in him the last few months like I should, nor have I been inviting his Holy Spirit into the areas of my life that were not stable. During worship, Father brought back moments in my life in the form of pictures, reminding me of the heart he gave me, who he made me to be, and how he was with me every step of the way. He showed me image after image, and I felt his peace over me. What is so amazing about Father is that I can mess up, and miss represent, and be unloving, yet he still receives me and sees me as clean and perfect because of Jesus. I wasn't condemned or put in "time out" for my inability to be loving or a good example. He simply reminded me of the goodness in my heart. Overcoming these trials were just part of the process of healing, learning and relearning to anchor myself in Him and his word.
It isn't easy to be like Jesus, especially in this city. My prayer is that He gives me inspiration for new and creative ways to be like Him in this crazy place. The summer is basically over now and a new season is beginning as I dive into the real reason God has me here. I'm thankful that I'm beginning school with the reminder to anchor myself in Him as well as a foundation in an amazing church of loving friends who encourage me in my relationship with Him. He knows all, His timing his perfect, and everything he does works in my favor, even though I may not understand it.
Hold onto your faith! Take courage and anchor yourself in him! He IS with you!
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Fearlessness
I don't believe I'll ever cease to be amazed by the fact that I'm living in New York. It's not the simple fact that I'm living in the New York City that amazes me. There are 8.2 million people who do it everyday. It's obviously very do-able. What amazes me is why I'm here, and how I got to be here.
By the COMPLETE grace of Jehovah.
I've been told, as well as commented to others, that my life is like a movie.
Right now I'm sitting in the lobby/common room of the Graduate Musical Theatre Writing Program (GMTWP) on the 2nd floor of Tisch, allowing the wonder of it all to sink in. Classes begin in 27 days and I could not be more excited about diving into 2 years of grueling creativity, critique, and collaboration.
Initially, I was terrified because, let's be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing. My Dad and I laugh about it regularly. My class was asked to write a 250 word bio for general "get to know you" information and I think my word count stopped at 45. The first 30 words or so explained where I'm from, (no where and everywhere) and the last 15, my education. News Flash: I'm only 23 and I'm not a prodigy. In other words, normal.
Then, in conversation with my future classmates, I discovered that everyone felt the same way. Even those who have had far more experience than I felt intimidated by the program.
It was then that I was struck with a beautiful revelation: I have no reason to be afraid.
I've decided to fight for a mindset based on fearlessness, which, when you think about it, is simply an extension of Jehovah's love.
1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment and whoever fears punishment has not been perfected in love." (ESV)
Failing at something is punishment enough for a perfectionist such as I. But when I allow the love of the Father to define my worth, the desire to prove myself to the world around me vaporizes. This freedom allows me to focus on the joys of creativity, exploration, discovery, and personal growth. If I entered into the program expecting to produce masterpieces or hoping that I wouldn't write terrible drafts... I wouldn't need to be here. I'm choosing not to be afraid of failure but look forward to what that failure will teach me. So, really, it's not failure at all!
In the big picture, it's not about me. I'm in this program because this is where Jehovah lead me to be. I have no idea how He will eventually use it for His glory. I'm not here because I want to learn how to be a famous Musical Theatre bookwriter. I have no expectations as far as what is going to happen when the program is all said and done. All I know is that I'm going to have the time of my life learning how to do what the Lord gave me a passion for! I'll find out what to do with it later.
Fearlessness, living in the perfect love of the Father... how else can I say it? IT'S SO GOOD.
By the COMPLETE grace of Jehovah.
I've been told, as well as commented to others, that my life is like a movie.
Right now I'm sitting in the lobby/common room of the Graduate Musical Theatre Writing Program (GMTWP) on the 2nd floor of Tisch, allowing the wonder of it all to sink in. Classes begin in 27 days and I could not be more excited about diving into 2 years of grueling creativity, critique, and collaboration.
Initially, I was terrified because, let's be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing. My Dad and I laugh about it regularly. My class was asked to write a 250 word bio for general "get to know you" information and I think my word count stopped at 45. The first 30 words or so explained where I'm from, (no where and everywhere) and the last 15, my education. News Flash: I'm only 23 and I'm not a prodigy. In other words, normal.
It was then that I was struck with a beautiful revelation: I have no reason to be afraid.
I've decided to fight for a mindset based on fearlessness, which, when you think about it, is simply an extension of Jehovah's love.
1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment and whoever fears punishment has not been perfected in love." (ESV)
Failing at something is punishment enough for a perfectionist such as I. But when I allow the love of the Father to define my worth, the desire to prove myself to the world around me vaporizes. This freedom allows me to focus on the joys of creativity, exploration, discovery, and personal growth. If I entered into the program expecting to produce masterpieces or hoping that I wouldn't write terrible drafts... I wouldn't need to be here. I'm choosing not to be afraid of failure but look forward to what that failure will teach me. So, really, it's not failure at all!
In the big picture, it's not about me. I'm in this program because this is where Jehovah lead me to be. I have no idea how He will eventually use it for His glory. I'm not here because I want to learn how to be a famous Musical Theatre bookwriter. I have no expectations as far as what is going to happen when the program is all said and done. All I know is that I'm going to have the time of my life learning how to do what the Lord gave me a passion for! I'll find out what to do with it later.
Fearlessness, living in the perfect love of the Father... how else can I say it? IT'S SO GOOD.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Breaking Through the Mundane
Last Tuesday marked five weeks in New York. Since I last blogged, not a great deal has happened. I've met several very interesting people, a few homeless, one a Greek/Armenian-French guy by the name of Yachel who works at a fitness center in the wee hours of the morning, a few people from Hillsong NYC... Tonight, some random fellow, David, who split half a pound of Lychee fruits with me while sitting on a stoop on 12th street. And although this has all been very interesting and exciting, it's been a struggle not to fall into the mundane.
I've only been here five weeks, but it feels like so much longer. It's so easy to feel swallowed by life in such a mass of people. It's just like any other place in the world where you have a routine. Work, Eat, sleep, repeat. In the repetition, I feel as if my spirit falls asleep. In a matter of days I forget all that Yahweh has blessed me with and I feel aimless. It's easy to do when you're living to survive.
As I was expressing my needs to Him Wednesday evening while journaling in "the bean" (a coffee shop) I asked him to speak and raise up my spirit. Literally, right after I finished writing that, a song came onto the radio that caught my attention. I'd never heard it before, didn't know who it was by... but God spoke through it.
Here are the lyrics.
When darkness falls
And surrounds you
When you fall down
When you're scared
And you're lost
Be brave
I'm coming to hold you now
When all your strength has gone
And you feel wrong
Like your life has slipped away
Follow me
You can follow me
And I will not desert you now
When your fire's died out
No one's there
They have left you for dead
Follow me
You can follow me
I will keep you safe
Follow me
You can follow me
I will protect you
I won't let them hurt
They're hurting you, no
Ooh yeah
When your heart is breaking
You can follow me
You can follow me
I will always keep you safe
Follow me
You can trust in me
I will always protect you, my love
Feel my love
Feel my love
I looked up the song later and it turns out it's called "Follow me" by Muse, written about having a baby from the point of view of the father. But for me, it was an answer to my prayer. It gets me thinking too - What does it mean to "follow him"?
I know what the church tells me it means to follow Jesus. It's the same explanations of what it means to be a Christian. But, as always, saying or understanding a concept is different than where one's heart is. Anytime that I live in fear, I am not trusting Him. When I begin to strive and stress about what "I'm suppose to be doing", I'm not following Him. It just seems to me that if I stop stressing about my financial situation and stop desperately scraping for answers that will fix all of my "problems" and simply turn my eyes towards the beauty of who Jesus is and the goodness of Yahweh, it will all come together!
When I asked God for help, when I asked him to speak into my situation He said "Follow Me". He did not say, "Ok Clara, here's what you need to do: apply for another job" or "Sell all of your things!" He said "Follow me".
Translation: Relax girl, I got you! Just let me take care of it!
The misconception is that when we "wait" on Him to move, we're being lazy. That is living in a works mentality. Do do do do do! Works without Love are nothing. Do what you are called to do. Anything else is being done in your own power and will make you tired. Are our relationships with Him so weak that we do not trust him to actually take care of things? He always comes through and never fails. Maybe not the way we would like him to, but he does. And the thing is, he can't if we don't allow him to. I think many times we think, "Who am I to think that God would provide for me in this way?" The truth is, the Lord wants us to step out in faith that he will provide. He desires to bless us every day! But we first, must have faith! Where do we gain this faith? In the deepening of our relationship with him, in the trust, in the release of our burdens to him. Don't limit Him because of your belief that you're not worth His miracles.
News Flash: God can do anything... He's GOD. Miracles are an easy thing for him. It isn't as if He's going WAY out of His way for you when He provides for your needs. But I believe he allows things to happen so that we draw closer into him. It's all about the relationship.
Ultimately, God is good and always will be. Following him doesn't mean he's going to give me answers of action for me to carry out. It means to sink into relationship with him and trust him, as well as my own ability to hear him, that he will give me a task when he has one for me. Until then, relax, do what ya do, and be in tune with him so that when he does have a task, I will be ready to serve with everything in me!
I've only been here five weeks, but it feels like so much longer. It's so easy to feel swallowed by life in such a mass of people. It's just like any other place in the world where you have a routine. Work, Eat, sleep, repeat. In the repetition, I feel as if my spirit falls asleep. In a matter of days I forget all that Yahweh has blessed me with and I feel aimless. It's easy to do when you're living to survive.
As I was expressing my needs to Him Wednesday evening while journaling in "the bean" (a coffee shop) I asked him to speak and raise up my spirit. Literally, right after I finished writing that, a song came onto the radio that caught my attention. I'd never heard it before, didn't know who it was by... but God spoke through it.
Here are the lyrics.
When darkness falls
And surrounds you
When you fall down
When you're scared
And you're lost
Be brave
I'm coming to hold you now
When all your strength has gone
And you feel wrong
Like your life has slipped away
Follow me
You can follow me
And I will not desert you now
When your fire's died out
No one's there
They have left you for dead
Follow me
You can follow me
I will keep you safe
Follow me
You can follow me
I will protect you
I won't let them hurt
They're hurting you, no
Ooh yeah
When your heart is breaking
You can follow me
You can follow me
I will always keep you safe
Follow me
You can trust in me
I will always protect you, my love
Feel my love
Feel my love
I looked up the song later and it turns out it's called "Follow me" by Muse, written about having a baby from the point of view of the father. But for me, it was an answer to my prayer. It gets me thinking too - What does it mean to "follow him"?
I know what the church tells me it means to follow Jesus. It's the same explanations of what it means to be a Christian. But, as always, saying or understanding a concept is different than where one's heart is. Anytime that I live in fear, I am not trusting Him. When I begin to strive and stress about what "I'm suppose to be doing", I'm not following Him. It just seems to me that if I stop stressing about my financial situation and stop desperately scraping for answers that will fix all of my "problems" and simply turn my eyes towards the beauty of who Jesus is and the goodness of Yahweh, it will all come together!
When I asked God for help, when I asked him to speak into my situation He said "Follow Me". He did not say, "Ok Clara, here's what you need to do: apply for another job" or "Sell all of your things!" He said "Follow me".
Translation: Relax girl, I got you! Just let me take care of it!
The misconception is that when we "wait" on Him to move, we're being lazy. That is living in a works mentality. Do do do do do! Works without Love are nothing. Do what you are called to do. Anything else is being done in your own power and will make you tired. Are our relationships with Him so weak that we do not trust him to actually take care of things? He always comes through and never fails. Maybe not the way we would like him to, but he does. And the thing is, he can't if we don't allow him to. I think many times we think, "Who am I to think that God would provide for me in this way?" The truth is, the Lord wants us to step out in faith that he will provide. He desires to bless us every day! But we first, must have faith! Where do we gain this faith? In the deepening of our relationship with him, in the trust, in the release of our burdens to him. Don't limit Him because of your belief that you're not worth His miracles.
News Flash: God can do anything... He's GOD. Miracles are an easy thing for him. It isn't as if He's going WAY out of His way for you when He provides for your needs. But I believe he allows things to happen so that we draw closer into him. It's all about the relationship.
Ultimately, God is good and always will be. Following him doesn't mean he's going to give me answers of action for me to carry out. It means to sink into relationship with him and trust him, as well as my own ability to hear him, that he will give me a task when he has one for me. Until then, relax, do what ya do, and be in tune with him so that when he does have a task, I will be ready to serve with everything in me!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Patience in Growth
Last night at Hillsong NYC - Heart and Soul - Guest Pastor Phil Dooley gave an amazing illustration about what it means to be fruitful. We often ask God for abundant fruitfulness, an orchard of fruit, and God said he would give us that. So we open our hands to receive this orchard of fruitfulness and in our hands God drops a seed.
I don't know how many of you have ever gardened before, but even if you haven't, it's common knowledge that it takes time for a seed to grow up from underneath the soil. And it takes a great deal of time for that plant to grow before it can begin baring fruit. But in the mean time, that plant has to be taken care of. It needs good soil with nutrients to feed it. So I ask myself, what kind of soil am I feeding off of? What does my spirit need to be feed in order to bear good fruit? Also, don't be a potted plant. Pastor Phil used the illustration of a potted plant to explain how some Christians are living. Potted plants are all about appearance. Some people are only concerned with how it looks on the surface of the soil. But the roots are trapped, and limited. So when the enemy comes along, it's so easy for him to uproot you. Not only that, but potted plants don't bear good fruit. We have to allow ourselves to go deeper.
What stood out to me the most from his message as I related it to my own life was "What is the fruit for?" The apple is not for the apple tree's enjoyment. The fruit I bear as a Christian is not meant for my personal enjoyment. The fruit I bear is for the next generation. It is meant for others to take and eat. And when you bear good fruit, people will begin to gather around and see the good fruit that is a manifestation of the spirit of God inside of me. They will eat of it and open doors for the spirit of God to move inside of them.
I've been in New York a total of two weeks and two days. It feels like so much longer. The funny thing is, I'll be here for the next two years at the very least and it will probably go by fast. I finally feel like I've settled in some. It doesn't yet feel like "home" but I'm sure it won't be long before it does. I'm so ready at any moment to see God move. I want everyday to be filled with miracles and supernatural experiences. I want to always be open to those possibilities, but I also need to remember to have patience.
In this season, I believe a new seed has been planted and it is just beginning to take root. I have a lot of growing to do. I'm working on my orchard and that takes time, and patience. It doesn't happen all at once. But the beautiful thing about growth is that it happens on it's own. All I do is make sure I'm feeding my spirit the word of God and seeking his presence, which, at this point, I can't stand life without his presence.
Basically, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. GOD does the work. All I have to do is focus on him. Easier said than done, but really, it's only as difficult as you allow the enemy to tell you it is.
I don't know how many of you have ever gardened before, but even if you haven't, it's common knowledge that it takes time for a seed to grow up from underneath the soil. And it takes a great deal of time for that plant to grow before it can begin baring fruit. But in the mean time, that plant has to be taken care of. It needs good soil with nutrients to feed it. So I ask myself, what kind of soil am I feeding off of? What does my spirit need to be feed in order to bear good fruit? Also, don't be a potted plant. Pastor Phil used the illustration of a potted plant to explain how some Christians are living. Potted plants are all about appearance. Some people are only concerned with how it looks on the surface of the soil. But the roots are trapped, and limited. So when the enemy comes along, it's so easy for him to uproot you. Not only that, but potted plants don't bear good fruit. We have to allow ourselves to go deeper.
What stood out to me the most from his message as I related it to my own life was "What is the fruit for?" The apple is not for the apple tree's enjoyment. The fruit I bear as a Christian is not meant for my personal enjoyment. The fruit I bear is for the next generation. It is meant for others to take and eat. And when you bear good fruit, people will begin to gather around and see the good fruit that is a manifestation of the spirit of God inside of me. They will eat of it and open doors for the spirit of God to move inside of them.
I've been in New York a total of two weeks and two days. It feels like so much longer. The funny thing is, I'll be here for the next two years at the very least and it will probably go by fast. I finally feel like I've settled in some. It doesn't yet feel like "home" but I'm sure it won't be long before it does. I'm so ready at any moment to see God move. I want everyday to be filled with miracles and supernatural experiences. I want to always be open to those possibilities, but I also need to remember to have patience.
In this season, I believe a new seed has been planted and it is just beginning to take root. I have a lot of growing to do. I'm working on my orchard and that takes time, and patience. It doesn't happen all at once. But the beautiful thing about growth is that it happens on it's own. All I do is make sure I'm feeding my spirit the word of God and seeking his presence, which, at this point, I can't stand life without his presence.
Basically, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. GOD does the work. All I have to do is focus on him. Easier said than done, but really, it's only as difficult as you allow the enemy to tell you it is.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Testing Your Faith
In my last blog, I talked about a blessed and relaxed first day in the Big Apple. Today, my blog is a little more challenging.
Yesterday was my first night on the floor at The Melting Pot in Hoboken. Praise the Lord I have a job. It was a blessing for me since I was down to the last of my cash and the night gave me a good boost. However, it was a nightmare. The branch has experienced a string of bad luck and bad management, so it's not in the best shape. That, of course, is a massive understatement. I'll spare you the details, but within two hours of being there, it easily matched my stress level from when I worked at another restaurant during the time I worked three jobs. Apart from all the technical and physical issues of the restaurant, the thing that effected me the most was the spirit of the place. Upon leaving, I felt so spiritually drained that it has taken me all afternoon to be refilled. The aggressive negativity of most of the entire company quickly sucked my spirit under into this nasty pit of darkness. I was not prepared. I ended up making it back to my apartment around 3:30am because after getting out at 1:45am and waiting for the 2:08 train back to the city, I decided to walk the ten blocks from the path instead of taking the L so I could call a friend of mine to vent. I stopped for a $3.50 piece of pizza because you can do that here. I spent most of today attempting to recover from last night, sleeping, praise music, desperately asking God to refresh my spirit in worship... I've frankly been asking Him how I'm to survive this job. He provided it for me and I feel as though I have more reason to stay than just the need for money.
Welcome to New York.
Yet, there is hope. Because of the general manager's openness, I have been asked to give any and all suggestions based off of my experience at The Melting Pot Birmingham. In the one night I was there, I feel as though I have established myself well with the other servers from that shift as well as the managers. I hope that I can be a light to fight the darkness.
Help me Lord, to you be the glory.
Because the truth is, I have been praying for opportunities for God to use me. I've been asking for supernatural acts, wonders, and sensitivity to His spirit guiding me to act when he calls. I am reminded that for a miracle to take place, the situation has to be outside the power of any man.
The first book of James says to...
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." - James 1:2-4
I spoke to my Dad over the phone and he suggested that this may be a training ground for leadership.
Lord. Help. Me. So I will count it all joy, that this is a testing of my faith so that I may grow stronger in who God is creating me to be.
One thing, though, I'll ever get used to (and hope I never do) is running across the homeless. It breaks my heart every time. I've come across several situations already where I felt helpless as a small female women in a big city, walking past men and women begging for help.
Welcome to the world.
One of my most shocking experiences included a man I came across in March when I was here for Applicant weekend at NYU. He was a tall, skinny, older black man with a small plastic cup and a hum-drum made-up song about sparing a dollar for the homeless. He was obviously not "all there". His eyes were blank and you could only catch a word here and there when he sang. I saw him three different times on the A train the four days I was here. The last time I saw him he walked onto the A train and began his song, holding his tiny, empty plastic cup. My heart went out to him. I didn't have any cash, and even if I did, who knew what he would do if I gave him any. So I began to pray under my breath, asking God to provide for his needs and cover him. It wasn't five seconds into my prayer when he kneels down, not 3-4 feel away from me, using the center pole for balance, and begins to pray out loud. It was some broken version of The Lord's Prayer. I almost started crying.
It occurred to me, whose fault is it that he was in the state he's in? He once has his mind, probably friends and family, possibly siblings. What was his story? Who didn't speak up when he needed a word from the Lord?
Last night, though, I saw a homeless man whom, I think, might have been dying. I'm not sure. I'm no doctor. But at 2:00am on Hoboken platform for the path back to the city I spotted him. His left pant leg rolled up and the leg that jutted out was massively swollen, the veins were blue, and it looked extremely painful. There was no sign of a wound so I assumed it was some kind of infection. He was older with a full beard. But the worst part was that I think he might have been throwing up blood.
This is very difficult for me to tell you about because it was extremely disturbing. I could barely get the story out when I was telling my friend about it on my walk home. It makes my stomach turn.
I didn't see him throw it up, I just noticed small pools of what looked like watered down blood around him where he had come to sit and the end of the bench near me. I begged God for guidance and prayed for him. Everything in me wanted to have the courage and faith to pray healing over him. I got the words that the Lord wanted to restore his life, but I was too afraid to talk to him. It was dangerous. He was obviously very sick. I didn't know what to do. I gag just thinking about it. I didn't know what to do and ended up helplessly leaving him there. When the train came, I was so torn up about it, I prayed that he wouldn't follow into my train car because I couldn't handle it. This man might have been dieing and I felt so helpless.
I know that my God is bigger than everything and He uses foolishness to confound the wise. If God was calling me to speak to him or pray for him, everything would have been fine. But my faith is not as strong as that yet. It breaks my heart. I followed my common sense and fear of what might happen had I spoken to him. But I pray for a day when I have enough faith that if and when the Lord calls me to a dangerous situation that I will have the faith that he will walk me through it. Last night was not that time. I do believe I did the right thing. But I also hope that in the future I will have the faith to act if the Lord calls me to in a situation such as that.
This world needs light. This world needs bold believers and faithful servants. Your faith will be tested and I encourage you to stay strong. When you pray, "Lord, Here am I... send me," be aware of what you are praying. Be aware that in order to grow, you must be challenged. Walk boldly in faith, take courage that He is with you and you will witness miracles. I believe it. I desire it. It terrifies me right now, but my desire to see God's hand move over this city is steadfast. New York is a very dark place.
The Father has great need of you. Run after Him like you've never run before. We are His hands and feet. But remember, it is not WE who do it. I have done nothing in my own power, only in the submission and obedience to His leading. Anything I have ever tried to do in my own power "for him" has failed. First and foremost, seek Him. He will strengthen your faith and give you the courage you need to do what he instructs you to do.
I'm praying for you as I hope you will pray for me.
Thank you and God Bless.
Glory be to Yahweh.
Yesterday was my first night on the floor at The Melting Pot in Hoboken. Praise the Lord I have a job. It was a blessing for me since I was down to the last of my cash and the night gave me a good boost. However, it was a nightmare. The branch has experienced a string of bad luck and bad management, so it's not in the best shape. That, of course, is a massive understatement. I'll spare you the details, but within two hours of being there, it easily matched my stress level from when I worked at another restaurant during the time I worked three jobs. Apart from all the technical and physical issues of the restaurant, the thing that effected me the most was the spirit of the place. Upon leaving, I felt so spiritually drained that it has taken me all afternoon to be refilled. The aggressive negativity of most of the entire company quickly sucked my spirit under into this nasty pit of darkness. I was not prepared. I ended up making it back to my apartment around 3:30am because after getting out at 1:45am and waiting for the 2:08 train back to the city, I decided to walk the ten blocks from the path instead of taking the L so I could call a friend of mine to vent. I stopped for a $3.50 piece of pizza because you can do that here. I spent most of today attempting to recover from last night, sleeping, praise music, desperately asking God to refresh my spirit in worship... I've frankly been asking Him how I'm to survive this job. He provided it for me and I feel as though I have more reason to stay than just the need for money.
Welcome to New York.
Yet, there is hope. Because of the general manager's openness, I have been asked to give any and all suggestions based off of my experience at The Melting Pot Birmingham. In the one night I was there, I feel as though I have established myself well with the other servers from that shift as well as the managers. I hope that I can be a light to fight the darkness.
Help me Lord, to you be the glory.
Because the truth is, I have been praying for opportunities for God to use me. I've been asking for supernatural acts, wonders, and sensitivity to His spirit guiding me to act when he calls. I am reminded that for a miracle to take place, the situation has to be outside the power of any man.
The first book of James says to...
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." - James 1:2-4
I spoke to my Dad over the phone and he suggested that this may be a training ground for leadership.
Lord. Help. Me. So I will count it all joy, that this is a testing of my faith so that I may grow stronger in who God is creating me to be.
One thing, though, I'll ever get used to (and hope I never do) is running across the homeless. It breaks my heart every time. I've come across several situations already where I felt helpless as a small female women in a big city, walking past men and women begging for help.
Welcome to the world.
One of my most shocking experiences included a man I came across in March when I was here for Applicant weekend at NYU. He was a tall, skinny, older black man with a small plastic cup and a hum-drum made-up song about sparing a dollar for the homeless. He was obviously not "all there". His eyes were blank and you could only catch a word here and there when he sang. I saw him three different times on the A train the four days I was here. The last time I saw him he walked onto the A train and began his song, holding his tiny, empty plastic cup. My heart went out to him. I didn't have any cash, and even if I did, who knew what he would do if I gave him any. So I began to pray under my breath, asking God to provide for his needs and cover him. It wasn't five seconds into my prayer when he kneels down, not 3-4 feel away from me, using the center pole for balance, and begins to pray out loud. It was some broken version of The Lord's Prayer. I almost started crying.
It occurred to me, whose fault is it that he was in the state he's in? He once has his mind, probably friends and family, possibly siblings. What was his story? Who didn't speak up when he needed a word from the Lord?
Last night, though, I saw a homeless man whom, I think, might have been dying. I'm not sure. I'm no doctor. But at 2:00am on Hoboken platform for the path back to the city I spotted him. His left pant leg rolled up and the leg that jutted out was massively swollen, the veins were blue, and it looked extremely painful. There was no sign of a wound so I assumed it was some kind of infection. He was older with a full beard. But the worst part was that I think he might have been throwing up blood.
This is very difficult for me to tell you about because it was extremely disturbing. I could barely get the story out when I was telling my friend about it on my walk home. It makes my stomach turn.
I didn't see him throw it up, I just noticed small pools of what looked like watered down blood around him where he had come to sit and the end of the bench near me. I begged God for guidance and prayed for him. Everything in me wanted to have the courage and faith to pray healing over him. I got the words that the Lord wanted to restore his life, but I was too afraid to talk to him. It was dangerous. He was obviously very sick. I didn't know what to do. I gag just thinking about it. I didn't know what to do and ended up helplessly leaving him there. When the train came, I was so torn up about it, I prayed that he wouldn't follow into my train car because I couldn't handle it. This man might have been dieing and I felt so helpless.
I know that my God is bigger than everything and He uses foolishness to confound the wise. If God was calling me to speak to him or pray for him, everything would have been fine. But my faith is not as strong as that yet. It breaks my heart. I followed my common sense and fear of what might happen had I spoken to him. But I pray for a day when I have enough faith that if and when the Lord calls me to a dangerous situation that I will have the faith that he will walk me through it. Last night was not that time. I do believe I did the right thing. But I also hope that in the future I will have the faith to act if the Lord calls me to in a situation such as that.
This world needs light. This world needs bold believers and faithful servants. Your faith will be tested and I encourage you to stay strong. When you pray, "Lord, Here am I... send me," be aware of what you are praying. Be aware that in order to grow, you must be challenged. Walk boldly in faith, take courage that He is with you and you will witness miracles. I believe it. I desire it. It terrifies me right now, but my desire to see God's hand move over this city is steadfast. New York is a very dark place.
The Father has great need of you. Run after Him like you've never run before. We are His hands and feet. But remember, it is not WE who do it. I have done nothing in my own power, only in the submission and obedience to His leading. Anything I have ever tried to do in my own power "for him" has failed. First and foremost, seek Him. He will strengthen your faith and give you the courage you need to do what he instructs you to do.
I'm praying for you as I hope you will pray for me.
Thank you and God Bless.
Glory be to Yahweh.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
The First 24
I woke up this morning around 8:00am, unable to fall back asleep. The window
was open and a myriad of city sounds were floating in with the breeze. I was
happy to hear that city sounds include the morning songs of birds along with
construction, cars, and the occasional human morning song. I slept on a padded
mattress with one sheet to cover me, and a pillow under my head. Both items
were provided by my new roommate, Hannah, for none of my belongings have
arrived yet. Hannah is a very sweet young lady, my age, who is a graduate from NYU with a degree in Theatre. I met her in person for the first time yesterday, after I wandered through East Village trying to find the apartment. Our meeting was sufficiently awkward and a tiny bit forced which is honestly no big surprise. Most obligatory first meetings with strangers aren’t natural. Since she is rather quiet I uncontrollably babbled to fill the space that would be awkward silence. The sound of a saxophone, that Hannah later explained was one of our neighbors, came from outside the window (which is obviously a beautiful portal of sound).
After she left for work, I took a much-needed nap on that naked mattress. When I awoke, it was early evening and the sun was low. I decided to take a walk and find food. I ended up wandering around, somewhat zombie-like, as I was still exhausted from traveling, and eventually decided on pizza (as it was the easiest of choices for my poor little brain). I also stopped at Rite Aide and bought a few essentials (toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo, etc.) before I headed home (Home? What?) and proceeded to go back to bed.
This morning, I walked across the street to this adorable little coffee shop called “the bean” (specifically all lowercase letters) and asked for any bagel, I didn’t care which, and a medium coffee. I journaled and people watched… two things I love to do most.
I stopped back at the apartment to get my backpack and decided to explore. I ended up at Washington Square Park where I sat on a stone bench and enjoyed reading in the sun and breeze. Of course there was music; a few street performers playing Jazz. One guy had a saxophone (I sincerely wondered if he was my neighbor), and a group of three guys, one with a snare, kick, and a few symbols, and the other two with brass instruments. For some reason I can’t remember if the were both saxophones or not (I did not wonder whether either of them could have been my neighbor).
I think my favorite thing about New York by far is studying how everyone dresses. It’s utterly fascinating. It’s amazing, so many different people in one place. I could people watch forever.
But while I was enjoying myself in the park, two students, Lord forgive me for forgetting their names, asked if they could sit with me. It turned out that they were visiting New York for the month of June with the mission group CREW. We ended up having some good conversations about God and I prayed with/for them before we went our separate ways. Upon leaving they handed me a little flyer for a meeting at a Church called Apostle Now. Why not? They said there’d be free pizza, so… it sounds good to me! I kid, sort of. But I’m very excited about meeting new people.
It’s amazing how God connects us together so specifically. Who knows where God will take this opportunity? There were hundreds of people in that park and God led them to talk to me. I prayed for Godly friends and connections and within the first 24 hours God has already moved.
I can’t wait to see what else he has in store.
I’ve been here 24 hours, and I think I just might like it here. Maybe…
Friday, May 31, 2013
Four Days
Only four more days until I am on the plane headed to New York City, where my life is going to basically be turned upside down. About two weeks ago, I expressed that the reality of moving to New York hadn't hit me.
This week has been a tidal wave.
I was just describing to a friend last night how I'm so all-around exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally, that I feel like I've been placed inside an empty coffee can and violently shaken. It's been a rough week. Not bad by any means, just stressful.
The most difficult thing about this move for me is that I haven't had time to process. It's definitely not a smooth transition. I'll be here Monday, I take a plane Tuesday morning and...
BAM
I'm living in New York.
I desperately need to lean into Father. This last week I have been under attack. It seriously just looks like a string of bad luck (specifically with vehicles). However, I don't believe in "bad luck". The enemy also took a stab at a few of my deepest insecurities. The confidence I have in who I am, how I love, and my excitement about having a new start in New York, all-of-a-sudden turned into fear. That is NOT my loving God.
So here I am, four days from take off, desperately fighting to keep my peace, my confidence, my faith...
But I'm choosing today:
not to be afraid
not to allow the enemy to make me feel inferior/steal my peace
not to look into the past and play the "should have" or "what if" game
to walk in the love and the confidence I have because of CHRIST
to remember who I serve
and to remember to take off the limits
I refuse to confine GOD to my understanding of him, to "rational thought", or within a structured, legalistic, and organized system of logic or teaching defined by the church.
GOD is GOD and He will move however He pleases. It is not my place to question it, only to follow.
"Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements - surely you know!" - Job 38:4-5
I love the last few chapters of the book of Job. Yahweh's voice is very sarcastic. Since sarcasm is something I really relate to, I love it. It's humorous to me because God is more or less saying, "Silly human, whom I created, STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW THINGS. I WILL DO WHAT I PLEASE BECAUSE I AM GOD AND I CAN."
It's humbling.
So as this new season takes it's turn, as old things die and make room for the new to take it's place, I am reminded, again, of Gods amazing grace, love, and the freedom of simply being His with no expectations of perfection.
"I've got it under control, baby girl. Just enjoy the ride!"
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Outside the Little Box
On an album I have, produced by Glory of Zion, some awesome guy with an accent talks about how (I'm paraphrasing) there is no security in what God is doing, only security in who He is. He doesn't call us to the ordinary, he calls us to the impossible. We're not able to do what God has called us to. He is the one who does it. He is strength in our weakness. So you cannot find security in what God is doing. We must trust in Him and the consistency of his goodness to get us through. And though He is consistent, he is completely unpredictable. You always know what he's going to be like, but you never know what he's going to do next. And when we embrace the fullness of who he is as an all powerful, sovereign, loving God, we cannot be happier.
Now, I've been learning a lot in the last year about taking the limits off of God. Taking off the limits is just another way to understand how to trust him. We limit God in our need for security. We try to figure him out, subconsciously creating formulas about how he works, still holding on to the control of certain aspects of our future, and not trusting in the fullness of his power. I personally don't like the unknown! So in the attempt to find security, we place limits on Him. The truth is, when we're trying to find security in what God does rather than who he is, we're actually trying to find security in our purpose. It's about us rather than Him. It's so easy to define our worth by what we do and how successful we are rather than simply living in the grace, mercy, and love of the Father.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" - 2 Corinthians 12:9
We are nothing without Him.
Let that sink in.
We are nothing without Him.
So if you look at what people can do in their own power - the success, the hard work - it's pretty amazing! Now... imagine letting go of all of the things we are capable of doing, and allowing God to step in and perform the impossible!
I used to think I could manipulate the system. It wasn't a conscious thing. I didn't think, "Hmm... how can I manipulate this situation so that I can have security?" but in retrospect that's how I acted. I tried to use my knowledge and understanding to figure everything out. I treated life like a puzzle I could put together and predict what God would do. I used symbolism, dreams, reading people, coincidence... It acted as a security blanket, allowing me to be more in control. But the minute something didn't happen the way I thought it was suppose to happen, when I thought it was suppose to happen, I got angry at God. It reminds me of that saying, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." You cannot depend on knowledge or your own understanding. And though there may have been truth in the things I "figured out", it doesn't mean it was God. Leaning on your own understanding is an open door for the enemy to come in and confuse you and lie to you about who God is. If you're in fear, you've put God inside that metaphorical box that everyone talks about. The one where you can take him out now and then and pat him on the head affectionately when he does what you want him to, but get angry and ignore him when he doesn't...
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path." - Proverbs 3:5-6
Every time I start feeling afraid I remind myself of who God is and who he's always been, and who he always will be: Good. Who am I to be afraid? The fear of God should wipe out all fear of man, or poverty. I remind myself that there is no pressure. If there is pressure it isn't God. I am nothing and it's OK for me to be nothing. He does the work, not me. The problem is, I want to do it. I want the credit, the satisfaction, and the glory. But it must all go to him. And there is freedom in being nothing because of the fact that there is no pressure! I am free to be a nobody and not live up to what the world tells me I need to live up to. I've been bailed out of that situation because Jesus took my place.
So I try to wake up every morning and acknowledge God. I want to begin my day by praising him for it and reminding myself of who he is. I try to remember to take the limits off of him, remind myself that he is Yahweh, the creator. He is great, good, and loving. If I remember these things, I am able to open my heart to him and receive the things he has for me in that day. Generally, those days end better than others. Not because they're "good" days or "bad" days, but because I have received his grace to either enjoy it or endure it. That's another thing I learned from Fresh Oil New Wine, the Glory of Zion album. (You should check it out)
Take the limits off. Life is so much richer when you allow the Father to lead. It's a little scary, yes, but you experience God's power again and again. It wouldn't be a good story if there wasn't any conflict. What does your story look like? Do you dream big? Take the limits off and the experiences you'll have will surpass your wildest dreams.
Now, I've been learning a lot in the last year about taking the limits off of God. Taking off the limits is just another way to understand how to trust him. We limit God in our need for security. We try to figure him out, subconsciously creating formulas about how he works, still holding on to the control of certain aspects of our future, and not trusting in the fullness of his power. I personally don't like the unknown! So in the attempt to find security, we place limits on Him. The truth is, when we're trying to find security in what God does rather than who he is, we're actually trying to find security in our purpose. It's about us rather than Him. It's so easy to define our worth by what we do and how successful we are rather than simply living in the grace, mercy, and love of the Father.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" - 2 Corinthians 12:9
We are nothing without Him.
Let that sink in.
We are nothing without Him.
So if you look at what people can do in their own power - the success, the hard work - it's pretty amazing! Now... imagine letting go of all of the things we are capable of doing, and allowing God to step in and perform the impossible!
I used to think I could manipulate the system. It wasn't a conscious thing. I didn't think, "Hmm... how can I manipulate this situation so that I can have security?" but in retrospect that's how I acted. I tried to use my knowledge and understanding to figure everything out. I treated life like a puzzle I could put together and predict what God would do. I used symbolism, dreams, reading people, coincidence... It acted as a security blanket, allowing me to be more in control. But the minute something didn't happen the way I thought it was suppose to happen, when I thought it was suppose to happen, I got angry at God. It reminds me of that saying, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." You cannot depend on knowledge or your own understanding. And though there may have been truth in the things I "figured out", it doesn't mean it was God. Leaning on your own understanding is an open door for the enemy to come in and confuse you and lie to you about who God is. If you're in fear, you've put God inside that metaphorical box that everyone talks about. The one where you can take him out now and then and pat him on the head affectionately when he does what you want him to, but get angry and ignore him when he doesn't...
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path." - Proverbs 3:5-6
Every time I start feeling afraid I remind myself of who God is and who he's always been, and who he always will be: Good. Who am I to be afraid? The fear of God should wipe out all fear of man, or poverty. I remind myself that there is no pressure. If there is pressure it isn't God. I am nothing and it's OK for me to be nothing. He does the work, not me. The problem is, I want to do it. I want the credit, the satisfaction, and the glory. But it must all go to him. And there is freedom in being nothing because of the fact that there is no pressure! I am free to be a nobody and not live up to what the world tells me I need to live up to. I've been bailed out of that situation because Jesus took my place.
So I try to wake up every morning and acknowledge God. I want to begin my day by praising him for it and reminding myself of who he is. I try to remember to take the limits off of him, remind myself that he is Yahweh, the creator. He is great, good, and loving. If I remember these things, I am able to open my heart to him and receive the things he has for me in that day. Generally, those days end better than others. Not because they're "good" days or "bad" days, but because I have received his grace to either enjoy it or endure it. That's another thing I learned from Fresh Oil New Wine, the Glory of Zion album. (You should check it out)
Take the limits off. Life is so much richer when you allow the Father to lead. It's a little scary, yes, but you experience God's power again and again. It wouldn't be a good story if there wasn't any conflict. What does your story look like? Do you dream big? Take the limits off and the experiences you'll have will surpass your wildest dreams.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Purging The Things
Two weeks from today I will be in my new shared bedroom in lower Manhattan. I'd be lying if I said I haven't been nervous about the move.
So far, the physical contents of my life can fit into about 12 small to medium sized boxes, a back pack, and then my guitar in its case. For most people that's nothing. For some, it's more than they've ever had. I honestly would like to be able to be satisfied living out of a suitcase, a backpack and a purse. I'd like to be able to be satisfied wearing the same 10 outfits every week. I'd like to never want to keep unnecessary amounts of books just because I like to have them, not because I'll ever need them again (though I've convinced myself I might).
Learning how to live without and be satisfied seems like such a difficult task. I'm spoiled. If I don't have the exact comfort I'm used to, I'm all of a sudden unhappy
I think the reason why I have such a hard time letting go of my things is because I cannot simply "buy another one." Life is expensive and I'm about to live in one of the most expensive cities in the States. It's funny how I can't afford to keep stuff, but I feel like can't afford to throw anything away.
It's moments like this where my faith is tested. I have to be at peace, stop trying to "do" and "make it work" because God's got it under control. If it were easy then it wouldn't be a miracle of God. I'm remembering that I need to take the limits off of God. In our fear of the unknown we limit his power in our lives.
I'm currently working on a separate post about removing the limits from God. It's just another one of those constant lessons that I don't know if we'll ever fully be able to live in with out having to consciously fight to remember it.
I'm not usually one to ask for prayer for myself, but I could use some.
Peace, Joy, and wisdom to know what I need to get done before the move. I would greatly appreciate it.
Go bless others, and be blessed. God is consistently good. Though I do not understand his ways, he is good.
So far, the physical contents of my life can fit into about 12 small to medium sized boxes, a back pack, and then my guitar in its case. For most people that's nothing. For some, it's more than they've ever had. I honestly would like to be able to be satisfied living out of a suitcase, a backpack and a purse. I'd like to be able to be satisfied wearing the same 10 outfits every week. I'd like to never want to keep unnecessary amounts of books just because I like to have them, not because I'll ever need them again (though I've convinced myself I might).
Learning how to live without and be satisfied seems like such a difficult task. I'm spoiled. If I don't have the exact comfort I'm used to, I'm all of a sudden unhappy
I think the reason why I have such a hard time letting go of my things is because I cannot simply "buy another one." Life is expensive and I'm about to live in one of the most expensive cities in the States. It's funny how I can't afford to keep stuff, but I feel like can't afford to throw anything away.
It's moments like this where my faith is tested. I have to be at peace, stop trying to "do" and "make it work" because God's got it under control. If it were easy then it wouldn't be a miracle of God. I'm remembering that I need to take the limits off of God. In our fear of the unknown we limit his power in our lives.
I'm currently working on a separate post about removing the limits from God. It's just another one of those constant lessons that I don't know if we'll ever fully be able to live in with out having to consciously fight to remember it.
I'm not usually one to ask for prayer for myself, but I could use some.
Peace, Joy, and wisdom to know what I need to get done before the move. I would greatly appreciate it.
Go bless others, and be blessed. God is consistently good. Though I do not understand his ways, he is good.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
The Prologue
I've created a blog page because more than one person asked me if I had one. Well, I didn't.
So I made one. *ta dah*
I stopped sharing my thoughts in blog form several years ago because it occurred to me that it was kind of narcissistic. I won't lie, I like the sound of my writing voice much more than my real one. Blogging, for me, was a weird way of getting attention. I decided against posting notes on facebook anymore since it was a completely unsatisfying waste of energy. The committee in my head would always say things like, "You're trying too hard" or, "You sound stupid" or, "Who are you trying to impress?" Now, I feel like it's a little different because I'm not doing it for me.
Over the years, I've come across some pretty amazing people. OK, a lot of really amazing people.
There is no possible way for me to keep up with everyone so if anyone wants to know what I'm up to...
BAM!
BLOG
You're welcome.
(kidding)
But really, it takes a lot energy for me to write about myself, you don't even know. This is actually my 3rd attempt at my first blog. What can I say? I'm a perfectionist, and picky. So this will be a good challenge for me.
New York - But God, see...
So I made one. *ta dah*
I stopped sharing my thoughts in blog form several years ago because it occurred to me that it was kind of narcissistic. I won't lie, I like the sound of my writing voice much more than my real one. Blogging, for me, was a weird way of getting attention. I decided against posting notes on facebook anymore since it was a completely unsatisfying waste of energy. The committee in my head would always say things like, "You're trying too hard" or, "You sound stupid" or, "Who are you trying to impress?" Now, I feel like it's a little different because I'm not doing it for me.
Over the years, I've come across some pretty amazing people. OK, a lot of really amazing people.
There is no possible way for me to keep up with everyone so if anyone wants to know what I'm up to...
BAM!
BLOG
You're welcome.
(kidding)
But really, it takes a lot energy for me to write about myself, you don't even know. This is actually my 3rd attempt at my first blog. What can I say? I'm a perfectionist, and picky. So this will be a good challenge for me.
New York - But God, see...
I am about 2 1/2 weeks away from moving to the big apple. It hasn't become real to me yet. There are little pockets of realization here and there but I don't think it will truly sink in completely until I am on the plane.
Two weeks goes by so fast. I've sorted my belongings out and cut them down by half. It's about 5 boxes, 2 suit cases, and my guitar. It's all half packed up in a section of my room to be shipped to my new address. A big thanks to my friend Stephen Wilson for helping me with shipping. I've a friend who is going to buy my car and someone looking to buy my chest of drawers. Everything else I'm basically just giving away or throwing away.
Two weeks goes by so fast. I've sorted my belongings out and cut them down by half. It's about 5 boxes, 2 suit cases, and my guitar. It's all half packed up in a section of my room to be shipped to my new address. A big thanks to my friend Stephen Wilson for helping me with shipping. I've a friend who is going to buy my car and someone looking to buy my chest of drawers. Everything else I'm basically just giving away or throwing away.
Everything here is slowing down. Ever since April 29th when Yahweh told me I'd be moving in June rather than the end of July, everything has felt a little surreal. A lack of sleep might also be a factor, but we won't talk about that. My point is that I can feel this season coming to a close.
I'd like to point out how amazing God is and how he's kept his promise. Five months ago I had no idea what I was doing with my life in the present. A year ago I was freaking out about where I was going to be and what I would be doing. But the Lord had a lot of healing to do in me before we could move forward with "the plan".
My senior year at Birmingham-Southern College, God shut every door that I was accustomed to walking through. They were the doors that worked the years before. It was an easy, more secure route. However, God had other plans. I wasn't passed through the screening auditions for the South Eastern Theatre Conference (a mass audition for acting jobs) when I had made it through the past two years. I didn't feel lead to move back to Texas, and if anything, I was begging God not to make me go back. Everything felt like a dead end.
Sometimes I see images in my mind that are symbolic of where I'm at spiritually. At that time, I saw myself in a circular room surrounded by doors. And every time I tried to walk through a door it would slam shut. I became so angry and afraid, my spirit went kicking and screaming at each door. "LET ME THROUGH!" (I may have screamed a little in real life too... in my car)
I was forced to sit in this room with nothing, and no where to go. So I figured I'd rebel. I mean, if I had to sit around and wait for Him to do something, I might as well have fun to help the time pass. Right? Keep in mind, rebellion for me is like... having a beer, maybe a cigarette, hanging out with people who weren't good for me. But it didn't take long for me to realize how pointless and empty that was. God sent a few people my way to help me back up from where I'd fallen and point me back to Jesus. That's when I realized that Jesus was standing next to me in that circular room the entire time - his arms stretched out, inviting me to know him. I was so focused on needing a purpose that when a plan wasn't immediately given to me, I turned a cold shoulder to God. I had forgotten who it was for in the first place.
I graduated May 18th and spent the remainder of 2012 discovering who I am in Christ through a series of painful and humbling situations. I had to deal with issues of my Grandfather's health, car issues, financial issues, couch surfing when I didn't have a place to live, there were several relationship issues (one of which was devastating), and for about three months I was working three jobs. I had a day off maybe once every three weeks and really wore myself out. It was a season where the Lord was building my trust and my faith in him to take care of me, along with many smaller, more specific lessons.
During all of that, the question of graduate school was floating around. In late July/early August I began to work on the twenty page application for New York University, Tisch school of the arts, Graduate Musical Theatre Playwriting program. Honestly, it was the only program I wanted to go to, and the only program that I had enough material to meet the requirements of the application. I worked on it very seriously, going in for counseling every few weeks at BSC's career services. But when November hit and I picked up a 3rd job, I gave up. It was too much to handle. I kept hitting walls in the application. So I threw in the towel and fervently said, "I'm not going. No, I'm not going to graduate school. I can't."
But then January came around and I was panicking.
There's no way I'm staying here... Gotta get out. GET ME OUT.
I opened the file saved "NYUapp" and studied what I had left. It was due in a month.
I think I can do this.
That week I was given a word that I was suppose to go back to school.
Ok God, help me finish the application.
Every single wall I had hit when I gave up in November? They Fell. The deadline for the application was extended ten days. I completed the final exercise the morning it was due to be post marked, took my flash drive to Kinko's, printed it, bound it, and shipped it. The woman who helped me at the post office told me to thank God, because it was already done - I was going to be accepted. Funny, at the time I wrote it off as just a nice religious thing to say.
But...
One week later I received the email inviting me to applicant weekend at Tisch for an interview. It would determine whether or not I was to be accepted or wait listed. A few weeks went by as I made plans for the trip to Manhattan with my friends Stephen and Jessica. I felt so strongly that it was in God's hands. He had everything under control and it wasn't on me to be accepted to the program. I had FAITH that I would be accepted, not because of me - I didn't think I could do it - but because God promised, and because of all he had done leading up to that point.
The week before the trip, spirits of anxiety and discouragement tried to come against me. But the Lord reassured me the night before we left and said, "Celebrate! I have it taken care of!" I was SHOCKED. I can't believe he shared that with me!
That night was Motion night at Church of the Highlands and it just so happened that the Pastor of Hillsong New York came and spoke that night. It also just so happened that I was suppose to work that night but, God, see... had my shift mistakenly covered. So I went. Everything Pastor Carl Lentz said that night spoke to exactly where I was. It was about running for God and occupying your street to make a difference. And as he began to prophesy that God was turning over a new leaf, that everything was about to change and there was no going back, the same vision I had of the circular room from over a year before, came back into my mind. And I saw the Lord throwing open a series of doors in front of me. I began to cry and I praised him!
Long story short, applicant weekend was amazing. The interview was relaxed, enjoyable, and I even got to share a bit of my testimony! I got home and the next day I got the email that I was accepted to the program! I was given a wonderful scholarship and the rest (as far as I know) is going to be taken out in loans. I was shooting for the end of July but then Yahweh had something else in mind. He told me June at the end of April and in the last two weeks, everything has been coming together! My job at The Melting Pot here in Birmingham (which was also a complete God thing) has allowed me to be hired at The Melting Pot in Hoboken N.J. just across the shore. I found a place to live, literally 0.6 miles away from Tisch and a 30 min commute to Hoboken. Not to mention that it's a full year sublet so I don't have to go on the lease. I might not have been approved to go on a lease because of my credit and I couldn't afford to sublet and move every few months.
All of these things seemed so impossible a few months ago, but as a friend of mine would say, "But God, see..."
And this is just the beginning. The reason why I wanted to go to school for Musical Theatre Playwriting in the first place is because Yahweh gave me a vision for a touring theatre ministry. I want to take theatre to a whole new level, and use it for his glory! More detail on that in the future.
I wish I could share more but I'm stretching it as it is. There are so many amazing little details that all point to Father God about the transformation in my heart. But the point is, if you take the limits off of God and trust him, he will work miracles.
Blessed be the name of the Lord. He is greatly to be praised!
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