I randomly recalled a memory from very early childhood (I must have been around 4 or 5) that had me laughing out loud for a good, solid minute. If anyone remembers the show Kids Say the Darndest Things... Well, yeah, that.
I remember being very, very short. My parent's bathroom was small and had a sliding door rather than a hinged door with a knob, so there was less secured privacy as it was much easier to talk to the person inside. My dad was on the toilet, doin' his thing, and I, being a child (doesn't really need an explanation) wandered into their room, saw the closed door, and began talking to him through the door. I don't recall the exact conversation, but I basically gave my dad pooping advice. Yep... in all my pooping experience, I gave my dad a tip on a way to help him poop faster. He thanked me, and I continued with my day as a toddler with absolutely no cares or responsibilities in the world.
I imagined myself in my father's position. A little girl (who recently stopped pooping in her own pants and learned how to use a toilet) is outside your bathroom door, giving you advice to help you drop one. My dad graciously thanked me for my advice, as if he hadn't been doing it his whole life... as if he didn't have it figured out by that point. I mean, I was just trying to help.
I know it's a crude example, but it made me think about how sometimes I get annoyed when others try to give me advice on things in my life that I'm already very familiar with. I think it applies more so in the situation when the person (though they probably have a valid point) is new to said life situation. They say something very basic (who knows that going back to the basics is a good thing?) and you sit there, then somehow manage to say, "Ok... thanks." Often I'll get defensive about it. I feel the need to let them know that "I've got it covered" and that "I've been doing this a while". My dad didn't say, "Thanks, Clara, but I know what I'm doing. I've been doing this a lot longer than you." He said, "Thanks, Clara, I'll try that". Granted, it's a bit different since dropping the kids off at the pool is not generally as stressful as, say, being an actor who's stuck trying to discover who your character is. But what stands out to me though, is that my dad's response wasn't about knowing how to complete a task or do it better, it was about our relationship. It was about him encouraging me and my genuine desire to be helpful.
Sometimes it's difficult to look past the task at hand and focus on the relationship between you and the person you're working with.
I'm also reminded of some of the things we say to God when we're struggling or we want something to go a certain way. I don't know about you, but I talk out my reasoning about a situation with Him all the time. Like, "God, why hasn't this happened yet? I have A, B, C, and D so if you just did E, and F... this could happen!" As if God doesn't know what He's doing...
But here's the thing, I'm not saying that we shouldn't talk to God about those things. In fact, I think we should have those conversations with him more. We should also remember to listen. But ultimately, it isn't about the end goal, or achieving the dream, or finishing an important task that He may have even called you to. It's all about your relationship with Him. And He has so much love for us that I imagine it sounds a little bit like sweet little children who say the darndest things.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Monday, December 30, 2013
Looking Forward: 2013 into 2014
It never ceases to amazing me how good God is each year. I have been given blessing upon blessing every single year. This coming year, though I already know more or less what I’m going to be doing (school), there are many ways in which I hope to grow and see God move.
Here in New York, I’ve discovered how difficult it is to find alone time with God. It’s true, this city never sleeps. There are people everywhere, all the time. I share a bedroom with someone who does not believe in God, and though she very much respects my faith, I am unable to practice much of my faith in the room the way I’d like to out of respect for her. The most Christian fellowship I am able to find in my life is a couple of hours on Sunday at Hillsong NYC.
When I first moved here, on the second day I just laid on my bed and felt the peace and presence of God all around me. I haven’t really felt him that way since then. The energy of this city is so anxious, nervous, stressed, bitter… it’s so difficult to break through to his peace, especially when I have no where I can go to get alone with him.
All of this information began to sink in near the end of the semester into our winter break when I felt myself starving for his presence in my life. Also, with the heart break of my Grandpapa’s death Wednesday, December 4th, the death of his brother, Vernon, the following Monday, and a few other personal struggles that God has been pulling to the surface of my life, I felt the desperate need to fight for my relationship with him even more.
When God brought me here, I didn’t anticipate how difficult it would be. God knew, and there is no condemnation in my life for it. When I confessed my heart to Him about how it hurt to be so distant from Him, he reassured me that I was “doing just fine.” I smiled in relief and accepted his grace in the moment.
Isn’t it funny how sometimes we expect so much from ourselves? I was feeling as if I should have done better and condemning myself for my lack of devotion. Yet, here GOD is, knowing where I’m at, knowing that it was where I was going to be at, and being completely full of grace. In the moment that I was talking to him about how sorry I was that I hadn’t made him my number one focus over the semester, I felt like I had failed him somehow.
Here’s a thought: How do you fail God if you've allowed him to be 100% in control of your life? How do you “fail” a God whose affections you can never earn, from whose love is freely given and you never deserved in the first place? We are nothing without him and He continues to give His love freely. I don’t think there is any “failing God”. I think there is only receiving his mercy, grace, and love, or not.
I don’t believe in New Year resolutions because they rarely work. But this coming year, this is where I’ve been praying that God will grow in my life in order to stay strong in my relationship with him.
Constant Prayer
Anytime I begin to struggle with someone or something, immediately jump into prayer and thanksgiving for God’s amazing work in my life. Something I realized over my visit to Dallas last week: God knows what’s best for me. SURPRISE! But often I get into a place of pouting and questioning God’s character and his plan for my life.
“Why God, WWWHHYYY!!!!!”
Really? No, Clara, stop. Praise him, that though you don’t understand what is happening and why, God has a plan. God hasn’t failed you yet! He knows what’s best for you! Thank him! It’s amazing how thanksgiving and praise turns your spirit around.
Teach me how to study to Bible
Frankly, I’ve never been good at studying. Often, I have a little bit of a reading comprehension issue. I get bored, zone out, give up. But I want to know the word of God in a new way. I need to know what the word says. I want to see the connections. So this year, I’m praying that I learn how to study.
Teach me how to be more disciplined
I can’t say I’m the most disciplined person. I know how to organize… I just don’t stay organized. Homework? Cleaning? Just overall responsibility and initiative. Yeah… More discipline please.
Also, there’s a book that the Lord put on my heart to write about Christianity, The Holy Spirit, and the Theatre Arts. I have all the resources I need to write it (actually in my back pack right now) that I’ve collected over the years about theatre history, acting, directing - all I need. But I have no idea how to approach and organize it yet. There’s so much information and so many questions about how to say it: Who am I talking to? How much to I expect my audience to already understand about the subject? etc. This is going to take a lot of discipline to study and work to make it happen.
Letting go
There are parts of my life that I have been trying to give to God, but feel that I’ve never really been able to 100% hand to him in faith. He’s bringing me through some eye opening trials and test this season that have shown me where I haven’t put him first in my life. I want those specific areas of my life to be given to him once and for all.
2013 - Thank you God for an AMAZING year! Your constant provision bringing me to NYC and getting me into Graduate school Connecting me with Hillsong NYC and the amazing friends I have made there!
And here’s to welcoming in the New Year with God in charge! I welcome all that you have for me Lord, and I believe you have many good things in store for my life this year! And whatever actually happens with the list above is all in your hands. (It’s been said, “If you wanna make God laugh, tell him your plans!”) But I want to enter this year with you on my mind and in my heart.
What are you praying for in your walk with God for 2014?
I pray that you are blessed beyond measure with amazing stories to tell!
Saturday, October 19, 2013
View Into Homeless Culture
I've lived in New York for almost five months now. The city has lost quite a bit of it's luster. I blame it on routine. School is going well. Of course, it's a lot of hard work. It better be if I'm going tens of thousands of dollars in debt to pay for it. I've been encouraged, humbled, embarrassed, exhausted, and I've cried several times. But that's all just part of the process.
I have noticed this week, however, that living here has begun to change me and my awareness. I've actually become less aware of my surroundings and the people around me. I've become less considerate. When I began school and became focused on my own little world, all of a sudden I was less interested in the people around me. I've focused on what I need, where I'm going... I understand better now why NY is the way it is. Now that I've caught myself, I'm hoping to zoom out from my life a bit and remember the basics.
Tonight was so neat. I spent about two hours with this girl named Melanie. I met Melanie in early August. She was panhandling in on Broadway near NYU. She's 17-years-old and has been on the street for a few months now. We've talked a couple times in the past, but tonight I just started asking her questions. She started telling me everything about the culture of homelessness, everyone's nicknames, slang terms, the police, informants, the drugs - all the ins and outs of living on the street in the lower east side of Manhattan. It was the most riveting conversation I've had in weeks.
She's agreed to help me by telling me more because I'm writing a song cycle for one of my classes that is focused around a community of homeless people. I'd also like to write a full length musical in the future about a community of homeless people. I want to do this because I believe they are severely misunderstood at times. I'm so excited to have the opportunity to get to know some people who live that life so that I can represent it correctly. It's stories like these that get me fired up to write musicals.
On that note, I unfortunately have to work on homework and write about things I could care less about... like sandwiches...
Pray for me that I get inspiration for these ridiculous prompts!
I have noticed this week, however, that living here has begun to change me and my awareness. I've actually become less aware of my surroundings and the people around me. I've become less considerate. When I began school and became focused on my own little world, all of a sudden I was less interested in the people around me. I've focused on what I need, where I'm going... I understand better now why NY is the way it is. Now that I've caught myself, I'm hoping to zoom out from my life a bit and remember the basics.
Tonight was so neat. I spent about two hours with this girl named Melanie. I met Melanie in early August. She was panhandling in on Broadway near NYU. She's 17-years-old and has been on the street for a few months now. We've talked a couple times in the past, but tonight I just started asking her questions. She started telling me everything about the culture of homelessness, everyone's nicknames, slang terms, the police, informants, the drugs - all the ins and outs of living on the street in the lower east side of Manhattan. It was the most riveting conversation I've had in weeks.
She's agreed to help me by telling me more because I'm writing a song cycle for one of my classes that is focused around a community of homeless people. I'd also like to write a full length musical in the future about a community of homeless people. I want to do this because I believe they are severely misunderstood at times. I'm so excited to have the opportunity to get to know some people who live that life so that I can represent it correctly. It's stories like these that get me fired up to write musicals.
On that note, I unfortunately have to work on homework and write about things I could care less about... like sandwiches...
Pray for me that I get inspiration for these ridiculous prompts!
Monday, August 26, 2013
Anchored
Summer went by just as quickly as I thought it would. I finally feel like living here is normal. I'm so thankful that I moved here as early as I did since it took every minute for me to become comfortable in my new surroundings.
Orientation begins in two days. I'm excited to begin. But more than anything, I'm thankful that I'm beginning classes focused and relaxed.
The truth is, New York City has brought out some negative parts about myself that, in the past, weren't surfaced enough to actually be dealt with. I knew those issues were there, I just never had an environment push me far enough for them to surface.
So much of this city is broken and angry. There always seems to be someone yelling somewhere. Then there are the people who are just inappropriate. My roommate Hannah and I have often laughed about the ways we react to being cat-called and sometimes touched. I've gone from just ignoring it to becoming so annoyed that I've honestly wanted to loudly confront them with not-so-loving words. It's a tough place to live.
(For the women in my life: Seriously, do not be alarmed. I don't need to be protected, it's all more-or-less harmless stuff. It's just annoying. All females who live in the city deal with it.)
I've been tested most at my work place. Confronted with constant negativity, gossiping, complaining, and pretty disgusting humor, I've had a difficult time holding my ground. I would be lying if I told you I didn't cuss at anyone, have a negative attitude, or say negative things about people. I'm far from proud of my actions. I realized I have no reason to blame it on the people around me. My actions are a direct reflection of the condition of my heart. It's my issue. After a while I became very upset with my inability to control what came out of my mouth, as well as the rage that boiled up towards my co-workers. I became extremely mad at a few of the people who encouraged my negative behavior and enjoyed hearing me curse and become angry, finding it entertaining. Each time, my heart would sink a little in disappointment. I would think to myself, "This is not Christ-like at all".
Last night at Hillsong NYC, Pastor Brian talked about two things. His first sermon was about how where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. The Holy Spirit is freedom, He is free to move however he wishes. If there is bondage or fear in a part of your life, invite the Holy Spirit to be there.
The second sermon was about anchoring yourself in him because there is nothing greater than Jehovah. Our hope is anchored in him by to immutable things: His oath and his promise. When an oath is taken, it's taken by a name or a person higher than the person taking the oath. God to an oath with himself because there is no name higher than his own. And because God cannot lie, he cannot break that oath or promise.
I realized that I have not been anchoring myself in him the last few months like I should, nor have I been inviting his Holy Spirit into the areas of my life that were not stable. During worship, Father brought back moments in my life in the form of pictures, reminding me of the heart he gave me, who he made me to be, and how he was with me every step of the way. He showed me image after image, and I felt his peace over me. What is so amazing about Father is that I can mess up, and miss represent, and be unloving, yet he still receives me and sees me as clean and perfect because of Jesus. I wasn't condemned or put in "time out" for my inability to be loving or a good example. He simply reminded me of the goodness in my heart. Overcoming these trials were just part of the process of healing, learning and relearning to anchor myself in Him and his word.
It isn't easy to be like Jesus, especially in this city. My prayer is that He gives me inspiration for new and creative ways to be like Him in this crazy place. The summer is basically over now and a new season is beginning as I dive into the real reason God has me here. I'm thankful that I'm beginning school with the reminder to anchor myself in Him as well as a foundation in an amazing church of loving friends who encourage me in my relationship with Him. He knows all, His timing his perfect, and everything he does works in my favor, even though I may not understand it.
Hold onto your faith! Take courage and anchor yourself in him! He IS with you!
Orientation begins in two days. I'm excited to begin. But more than anything, I'm thankful that I'm beginning classes focused and relaxed.
The truth is, New York City has brought out some negative parts about myself that, in the past, weren't surfaced enough to actually be dealt with. I knew those issues were there, I just never had an environment push me far enough for them to surface.
So much of this city is broken and angry. There always seems to be someone yelling somewhere. Then there are the people who are just inappropriate. My roommate Hannah and I have often laughed about the ways we react to being cat-called and sometimes touched. I've gone from just ignoring it to becoming so annoyed that I've honestly wanted to loudly confront them with not-so-loving words. It's a tough place to live.
(For the women in my life: Seriously, do not be alarmed. I don't need to be protected, it's all more-or-less harmless stuff. It's just annoying. All females who live in the city deal with it.)
I've been tested most at my work place. Confronted with constant negativity, gossiping, complaining, and pretty disgusting humor, I've had a difficult time holding my ground. I would be lying if I told you I didn't cuss at anyone, have a negative attitude, or say negative things about people. I'm far from proud of my actions. I realized I have no reason to blame it on the people around me. My actions are a direct reflection of the condition of my heart. It's my issue. After a while I became very upset with my inability to control what came out of my mouth, as well as the rage that boiled up towards my co-workers. I became extremely mad at a few of the people who encouraged my negative behavior and enjoyed hearing me curse and become angry, finding it entertaining. Each time, my heart would sink a little in disappointment. I would think to myself, "This is not Christ-like at all".
Last night at Hillsong NYC, Pastor Brian talked about two things. His first sermon was about how where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. The Holy Spirit is freedom, He is free to move however he wishes. If there is bondage or fear in a part of your life, invite the Holy Spirit to be there.
The second sermon was about anchoring yourself in him because there is nothing greater than Jehovah. Our hope is anchored in him by to immutable things: His oath and his promise. When an oath is taken, it's taken by a name or a person higher than the person taking the oath. God to an oath with himself because there is no name higher than his own. And because God cannot lie, he cannot break that oath or promise.
I realized that I have not been anchoring myself in him the last few months like I should, nor have I been inviting his Holy Spirit into the areas of my life that were not stable. During worship, Father brought back moments in my life in the form of pictures, reminding me of the heart he gave me, who he made me to be, and how he was with me every step of the way. He showed me image after image, and I felt his peace over me. What is so amazing about Father is that I can mess up, and miss represent, and be unloving, yet he still receives me and sees me as clean and perfect because of Jesus. I wasn't condemned or put in "time out" for my inability to be loving or a good example. He simply reminded me of the goodness in my heart. Overcoming these trials were just part of the process of healing, learning and relearning to anchor myself in Him and his word.
It isn't easy to be like Jesus, especially in this city. My prayer is that He gives me inspiration for new and creative ways to be like Him in this crazy place. The summer is basically over now and a new season is beginning as I dive into the real reason God has me here. I'm thankful that I'm beginning school with the reminder to anchor myself in Him as well as a foundation in an amazing church of loving friends who encourage me in my relationship with Him. He knows all, His timing his perfect, and everything he does works in my favor, even though I may not understand it.
Hold onto your faith! Take courage and anchor yourself in him! He IS with you!
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Fearlessness
I don't believe I'll ever cease to be amazed by the fact that I'm living in New York. It's not the simple fact that I'm living in the New York City that amazes me. There are 8.2 million people who do it everyday. It's obviously very do-able. What amazes me is why I'm here, and how I got to be here.
By the COMPLETE grace of Jehovah.
I've been told, as well as commented to others, that my life is like a movie.
Right now I'm sitting in the lobby/common room of the Graduate Musical Theatre Writing Program (GMTWP) on the 2nd floor of Tisch, allowing the wonder of it all to sink in. Classes begin in 27 days and I could not be more excited about diving into 2 years of grueling creativity, critique, and collaboration.
Initially, I was terrified because, let's be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing. My Dad and I laugh about it regularly. My class was asked to write a 250 word bio for general "get to know you" information and I think my word count stopped at 45. The first 30 words or so explained where I'm from, (no where and everywhere) and the last 15, my education. News Flash: I'm only 23 and I'm not a prodigy. In other words, normal.
Then, in conversation with my future classmates, I discovered that everyone felt the same way. Even those who have had far more experience than I felt intimidated by the program.
It was then that I was struck with a beautiful revelation: I have no reason to be afraid.
I've decided to fight for a mindset based on fearlessness, which, when you think about it, is simply an extension of Jehovah's love.
1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment and whoever fears punishment has not been perfected in love." (ESV)
Failing at something is punishment enough for a perfectionist such as I. But when I allow the love of the Father to define my worth, the desire to prove myself to the world around me vaporizes. This freedom allows me to focus on the joys of creativity, exploration, discovery, and personal growth. If I entered into the program expecting to produce masterpieces or hoping that I wouldn't write terrible drafts... I wouldn't need to be here. I'm choosing not to be afraid of failure but look forward to what that failure will teach me. So, really, it's not failure at all!
In the big picture, it's not about me. I'm in this program because this is where Jehovah lead me to be. I have no idea how He will eventually use it for His glory. I'm not here because I want to learn how to be a famous Musical Theatre bookwriter. I have no expectations as far as what is going to happen when the program is all said and done. All I know is that I'm going to have the time of my life learning how to do what the Lord gave me a passion for! I'll find out what to do with it later.
Fearlessness, living in the perfect love of the Father... how else can I say it? IT'S SO GOOD.
By the COMPLETE grace of Jehovah.
I've been told, as well as commented to others, that my life is like a movie.
Right now I'm sitting in the lobby/common room of the Graduate Musical Theatre Writing Program (GMTWP) on the 2nd floor of Tisch, allowing the wonder of it all to sink in. Classes begin in 27 days and I could not be more excited about diving into 2 years of grueling creativity, critique, and collaboration.
Initially, I was terrified because, let's be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing. My Dad and I laugh about it regularly. My class was asked to write a 250 word bio for general "get to know you" information and I think my word count stopped at 45. The first 30 words or so explained where I'm from, (no where and everywhere) and the last 15, my education. News Flash: I'm only 23 and I'm not a prodigy. In other words, normal.
It was then that I was struck with a beautiful revelation: I have no reason to be afraid.
I've decided to fight for a mindset based on fearlessness, which, when you think about it, is simply an extension of Jehovah's love.
1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment and whoever fears punishment has not been perfected in love." (ESV)
Failing at something is punishment enough for a perfectionist such as I. But when I allow the love of the Father to define my worth, the desire to prove myself to the world around me vaporizes. This freedom allows me to focus on the joys of creativity, exploration, discovery, and personal growth. If I entered into the program expecting to produce masterpieces or hoping that I wouldn't write terrible drafts... I wouldn't need to be here. I'm choosing not to be afraid of failure but look forward to what that failure will teach me. So, really, it's not failure at all!
In the big picture, it's not about me. I'm in this program because this is where Jehovah lead me to be. I have no idea how He will eventually use it for His glory. I'm not here because I want to learn how to be a famous Musical Theatre bookwriter. I have no expectations as far as what is going to happen when the program is all said and done. All I know is that I'm going to have the time of my life learning how to do what the Lord gave me a passion for! I'll find out what to do with it later.
Fearlessness, living in the perfect love of the Father... how else can I say it? IT'S SO GOOD.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Breaking Through the Mundane
Last Tuesday marked five weeks in New York. Since I last blogged, not a great deal has happened. I've met several very interesting people, a few homeless, one a Greek/Armenian-French guy by the name of Yachel who works at a fitness center in the wee hours of the morning, a few people from Hillsong NYC... Tonight, some random fellow, David, who split half a pound of Lychee fruits with me while sitting on a stoop on 12th street. And although this has all been very interesting and exciting, it's been a struggle not to fall into the mundane.
I've only been here five weeks, but it feels like so much longer. It's so easy to feel swallowed by life in such a mass of people. It's just like any other place in the world where you have a routine. Work, Eat, sleep, repeat. In the repetition, I feel as if my spirit falls asleep. In a matter of days I forget all that Yahweh has blessed me with and I feel aimless. It's easy to do when you're living to survive.
As I was expressing my needs to Him Wednesday evening while journaling in "the bean" (a coffee shop) I asked him to speak and raise up my spirit. Literally, right after I finished writing that, a song came onto the radio that caught my attention. I'd never heard it before, didn't know who it was by... but God spoke through it.
Here are the lyrics.
When darkness falls
And surrounds you
When you fall down
When you're scared
And you're lost
Be brave
I'm coming to hold you now
When all your strength has gone
And you feel wrong
Like your life has slipped away
Follow me
You can follow me
And I will not desert you now
When your fire's died out
No one's there
They have left you for dead
Follow me
You can follow me
I will keep you safe
Follow me
You can follow me
I will protect you
I won't let them hurt
They're hurting you, no
Ooh yeah
When your heart is breaking
You can follow me
You can follow me
I will always keep you safe
Follow me
You can trust in me
I will always protect you, my love
Feel my love
Feel my love
I looked up the song later and it turns out it's called "Follow me" by Muse, written about having a baby from the point of view of the father. But for me, it was an answer to my prayer. It gets me thinking too - What does it mean to "follow him"?
I know what the church tells me it means to follow Jesus. It's the same explanations of what it means to be a Christian. But, as always, saying or understanding a concept is different than where one's heart is. Anytime that I live in fear, I am not trusting Him. When I begin to strive and stress about what "I'm suppose to be doing", I'm not following Him. It just seems to me that if I stop stressing about my financial situation and stop desperately scraping for answers that will fix all of my "problems" and simply turn my eyes towards the beauty of who Jesus is and the goodness of Yahweh, it will all come together!
When I asked God for help, when I asked him to speak into my situation He said "Follow Me". He did not say, "Ok Clara, here's what you need to do: apply for another job" or "Sell all of your things!" He said "Follow me".
Translation: Relax girl, I got you! Just let me take care of it!
The misconception is that when we "wait" on Him to move, we're being lazy. That is living in a works mentality. Do do do do do! Works without Love are nothing. Do what you are called to do. Anything else is being done in your own power and will make you tired. Are our relationships with Him so weak that we do not trust him to actually take care of things? He always comes through and never fails. Maybe not the way we would like him to, but he does. And the thing is, he can't if we don't allow him to. I think many times we think, "Who am I to think that God would provide for me in this way?" The truth is, the Lord wants us to step out in faith that he will provide. He desires to bless us every day! But we first, must have faith! Where do we gain this faith? In the deepening of our relationship with him, in the trust, in the release of our burdens to him. Don't limit Him because of your belief that you're not worth His miracles.
News Flash: God can do anything... He's GOD. Miracles are an easy thing for him. It isn't as if He's going WAY out of His way for you when He provides for your needs. But I believe he allows things to happen so that we draw closer into him. It's all about the relationship.
Ultimately, God is good and always will be. Following him doesn't mean he's going to give me answers of action for me to carry out. It means to sink into relationship with him and trust him, as well as my own ability to hear him, that he will give me a task when he has one for me. Until then, relax, do what ya do, and be in tune with him so that when he does have a task, I will be ready to serve with everything in me!
I've only been here five weeks, but it feels like so much longer. It's so easy to feel swallowed by life in such a mass of people. It's just like any other place in the world where you have a routine. Work, Eat, sleep, repeat. In the repetition, I feel as if my spirit falls asleep. In a matter of days I forget all that Yahweh has blessed me with and I feel aimless. It's easy to do when you're living to survive.
As I was expressing my needs to Him Wednesday evening while journaling in "the bean" (a coffee shop) I asked him to speak and raise up my spirit. Literally, right after I finished writing that, a song came onto the radio that caught my attention. I'd never heard it before, didn't know who it was by... but God spoke through it.
Here are the lyrics.
When darkness falls
And surrounds you
When you fall down
When you're scared
And you're lost
Be brave
I'm coming to hold you now
When all your strength has gone
And you feel wrong
Like your life has slipped away
Follow me
You can follow me
And I will not desert you now
When your fire's died out
No one's there
They have left you for dead
Follow me
You can follow me
I will keep you safe
Follow me
You can follow me
I will protect you
I won't let them hurt
They're hurting you, no
Ooh yeah
When your heart is breaking
You can follow me
You can follow me
I will always keep you safe
Follow me
You can trust in me
I will always protect you, my love
Feel my love
Feel my love
I looked up the song later and it turns out it's called "Follow me" by Muse, written about having a baby from the point of view of the father. But for me, it was an answer to my prayer. It gets me thinking too - What does it mean to "follow him"?
I know what the church tells me it means to follow Jesus. It's the same explanations of what it means to be a Christian. But, as always, saying or understanding a concept is different than where one's heart is. Anytime that I live in fear, I am not trusting Him. When I begin to strive and stress about what "I'm suppose to be doing", I'm not following Him. It just seems to me that if I stop stressing about my financial situation and stop desperately scraping for answers that will fix all of my "problems" and simply turn my eyes towards the beauty of who Jesus is and the goodness of Yahweh, it will all come together!
When I asked God for help, when I asked him to speak into my situation He said "Follow Me". He did not say, "Ok Clara, here's what you need to do: apply for another job" or "Sell all of your things!" He said "Follow me".
Translation: Relax girl, I got you! Just let me take care of it!
The misconception is that when we "wait" on Him to move, we're being lazy. That is living in a works mentality. Do do do do do! Works without Love are nothing. Do what you are called to do. Anything else is being done in your own power and will make you tired. Are our relationships with Him so weak that we do not trust him to actually take care of things? He always comes through and never fails. Maybe not the way we would like him to, but he does. And the thing is, he can't if we don't allow him to. I think many times we think, "Who am I to think that God would provide for me in this way?" The truth is, the Lord wants us to step out in faith that he will provide. He desires to bless us every day! But we first, must have faith! Where do we gain this faith? In the deepening of our relationship with him, in the trust, in the release of our burdens to him. Don't limit Him because of your belief that you're not worth His miracles.
News Flash: God can do anything... He's GOD. Miracles are an easy thing for him. It isn't as if He's going WAY out of His way for you when He provides for your needs. But I believe he allows things to happen so that we draw closer into him. It's all about the relationship.
Ultimately, God is good and always will be. Following him doesn't mean he's going to give me answers of action for me to carry out. It means to sink into relationship with him and trust him, as well as my own ability to hear him, that he will give me a task when he has one for me. Until then, relax, do what ya do, and be in tune with him so that when he does have a task, I will be ready to serve with everything in me!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Patience in Growth
Last night at Hillsong NYC - Heart and Soul - Guest Pastor Phil Dooley gave an amazing illustration about what it means to be fruitful. We often ask God for abundant fruitfulness, an orchard of fruit, and God said he would give us that. So we open our hands to receive this orchard of fruitfulness and in our hands God drops a seed.
I don't know how many of you have ever gardened before, but even if you haven't, it's common knowledge that it takes time for a seed to grow up from underneath the soil. And it takes a great deal of time for that plant to grow before it can begin baring fruit. But in the mean time, that plant has to be taken care of. It needs good soil with nutrients to feed it. So I ask myself, what kind of soil am I feeding off of? What does my spirit need to be feed in order to bear good fruit? Also, don't be a potted plant. Pastor Phil used the illustration of a potted plant to explain how some Christians are living. Potted plants are all about appearance. Some people are only concerned with how it looks on the surface of the soil. But the roots are trapped, and limited. So when the enemy comes along, it's so easy for him to uproot you. Not only that, but potted plants don't bear good fruit. We have to allow ourselves to go deeper.
What stood out to me the most from his message as I related it to my own life was "What is the fruit for?" The apple is not for the apple tree's enjoyment. The fruit I bear as a Christian is not meant for my personal enjoyment. The fruit I bear is for the next generation. It is meant for others to take and eat. And when you bear good fruit, people will begin to gather around and see the good fruit that is a manifestation of the spirit of God inside of me. They will eat of it and open doors for the spirit of God to move inside of them.
I've been in New York a total of two weeks and two days. It feels like so much longer. The funny thing is, I'll be here for the next two years at the very least and it will probably go by fast. I finally feel like I've settled in some. It doesn't yet feel like "home" but I'm sure it won't be long before it does. I'm so ready at any moment to see God move. I want everyday to be filled with miracles and supernatural experiences. I want to always be open to those possibilities, but I also need to remember to have patience.
In this season, I believe a new seed has been planted and it is just beginning to take root. I have a lot of growing to do. I'm working on my orchard and that takes time, and patience. It doesn't happen all at once. But the beautiful thing about growth is that it happens on it's own. All I do is make sure I'm feeding my spirit the word of God and seeking his presence, which, at this point, I can't stand life without his presence.
Basically, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. GOD does the work. All I have to do is focus on him. Easier said than done, but really, it's only as difficult as you allow the enemy to tell you it is.
I don't know how many of you have ever gardened before, but even if you haven't, it's common knowledge that it takes time for a seed to grow up from underneath the soil. And it takes a great deal of time for that plant to grow before it can begin baring fruit. But in the mean time, that plant has to be taken care of. It needs good soil with nutrients to feed it. So I ask myself, what kind of soil am I feeding off of? What does my spirit need to be feed in order to bear good fruit? Also, don't be a potted plant. Pastor Phil used the illustration of a potted plant to explain how some Christians are living. Potted plants are all about appearance. Some people are only concerned with how it looks on the surface of the soil. But the roots are trapped, and limited. So when the enemy comes along, it's so easy for him to uproot you. Not only that, but potted plants don't bear good fruit. We have to allow ourselves to go deeper.
What stood out to me the most from his message as I related it to my own life was "What is the fruit for?" The apple is not for the apple tree's enjoyment. The fruit I bear as a Christian is not meant for my personal enjoyment. The fruit I bear is for the next generation. It is meant for others to take and eat. And when you bear good fruit, people will begin to gather around and see the good fruit that is a manifestation of the spirit of God inside of me. They will eat of it and open doors for the spirit of God to move inside of them.
I've been in New York a total of two weeks and two days. It feels like so much longer. The funny thing is, I'll be here for the next two years at the very least and it will probably go by fast. I finally feel like I've settled in some. It doesn't yet feel like "home" but I'm sure it won't be long before it does. I'm so ready at any moment to see God move. I want everyday to be filled with miracles and supernatural experiences. I want to always be open to those possibilities, but I also need to remember to have patience.
In this season, I believe a new seed has been planted and it is just beginning to take root. I have a lot of growing to do. I'm working on my orchard and that takes time, and patience. It doesn't happen all at once. But the beautiful thing about growth is that it happens on it's own. All I do is make sure I'm feeding my spirit the word of God and seeking his presence, which, at this point, I can't stand life without his presence.
Basically, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. GOD does the work. All I have to do is focus on him. Easier said than done, but really, it's only as difficult as you allow the enemy to tell you it is.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)