I've lived in New York for almost five months now. The city has lost quite a bit of it's luster. I blame it on routine. School is going well. Of course, it's a lot of hard work. It better be if I'm going tens of thousands of dollars in debt to pay for it. I've been encouraged, humbled, embarrassed, exhausted, and I've cried several times. But that's all just part of the process.
I have noticed this week, however, that living here has begun to change me and my awareness. I've actually become less aware of my surroundings and the people around me. I've become less considerate. When I began school and became focused on my own little world, all of a sudden I was less interested in the people around me. I've focused on what I need, where I'm going... I understand better now why NY is the way it is. Now that I've caught myself, I'm hoping to zoom out from my life a bit and remember the basics.
Tonight was so neat. I spent about two hours with this girl named Melanie. I met Melanie in early August. She was panhandling in on Broadway near NYU. She's 17-years-old and has been on the street for a few months now. We've talked a couple times in the past, but tonight I just started asking her questions. She started telling me everything about the culture of homelessness, everyone's nicknames, slang terms, the police, informants, the drugs - all the ins and outs of living on the street in the lower east side of Manhattan. It was the most riveting conversation I've had in weeks.
She's agreed to help me by telling me more because I'm writing a song cycle for one of my classes that is focused around a community of homeless people. I'd also like to write a full length musical in the future about a community of homeless people. I want to do this because I believe they are severely misunderstood at times. I'm so excited to have the opportunity to get to know some people who live that life so that I can represent it correctly. It's stories like these that get me fired up to write musicals.
On that note, I unfortunately have to work on homework and write about things I could care less about... like sandwiches...
Pray for me that I get inspiration for these ridiculous prompts!
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Monday, August 26, 2013
Anchored
Summer went by just as quickly as I thought it would. I finally feel like living here is normal. I'm so thankful that I moved here as early as I did since it took every minute for me to become comfortable in my new surroundings.
Orientation begins in two days. I'm excited to begin. But more than anything, I'm thankful that I'm beginning classes focused and relaxed.
The truth is, New York City has brought out some negative parts about myself that, in the past, weren't surfaced enough to actually be dealt with. I knew those issues were there, I just never had an environment push me far enough for them to surface.
So much of this city is broken and angry. There always seems to be someone yelling somewhere. Then there are the people who are just inappropriate. My roommate Hannah and I have often laughed about the ways we react to being cat-called and sometimes touched. I've gone from just ignoring it to becoming so annoyed that I've honestly wanted to loudly confront them with not-so-loving words. It's a tough place to live.
(For the women in my life: Seriously, do not be alarmed. I don't need to be protected, it's all more-or-less harmless stuff. It's just annoying. All females who live in the city deal with it.)
I've been tested most at my work place. Confronted with constant negativity, gossiping, complaining, and pretty disgusting humor, I've had a difficult time holding my ground. I would be lying if I told you I didn't cuss at anyone, have a negative attitude, or say negative things about people. I'm far from proud of my actions. I realized I have no reason to blame it on the people around me. My actions are a direct reflection of the condition of my heart. It's my issue. After a while I became very upset with my inability to control what came out of my mouth, as well as the rage that boiled up towards my co-workers. I became extremely mad at a few of the people who encouraged my negative behavior and enjoyed hearing me curse and become angry, finding it entertaining. Each time, my heart would sink a little in disappointment. I would think to myself, "This is not Christ-like at all".
Last night at Hillsong NYC, Pastor Brian talked about two things. His first sermon was about how where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. The Holy Spirit is freedom, He is free to move however he wishes. If there is bondage or fear in a part of your life, invite the Holy Spirit to be there.
The second sermon was about anchoring yourself in him because there is nothing greater than Jehovah. Our hope is anchored in him by to immutable things: His oath and his promise. When an oath is taken, it's taken by a name or a person higher than the person taking the oath. God to an oath with himself because there is no name higher than his own. And because God cannot lie, he cannot break that oath or promise.
I realized that I have not been anchoring myself in him the last few months like I should, nor have I been inviting his Holy Spirit into the areas of my life that were not stable. During worship, Father brought back moments in my life in the form of pictures, reminding me of the heart he gave me, who he made me to be, and how he was with me every step of the way. He showed me image after image, and I felt his peace over me. What is so amazing about Father is that I can mess up, and miss represent, and be unloving, yet he still receives me and sees me as clean and perfect because of Jesus. I wasn't condemned or put in "time out" for my inability to be loving or a good example. He simply reminded me of the goodness in my heart. Overcoming these trials were just part of the process of healing, learning and relearning to anchor myself in Him and his word.
It isn't easy to be like Jesus, especially in this city. My prayer is that He gives me inspiration for new and creative ways to be like Him in this crazy place. The summer is basically over now and a new season is beginning as I dive into the real reason God has me here. I'm thankful that I'm beginning school with the reminder to anchor myself in Him as well as a foundation in an amazing church of loving friends who encourage me in my relationship with Him. He knows all, His timing his perfect, and everything he does works in my favor, even though I may not understand it.
Hold onto your faith! Take courage and anchor yourself in him! He IS with you!
Orientation begins in two days. I'm excited to begin. But more than anything, I'm thankful that I'm beginning classes focused and relaxed.
The truth is, New York City has brought out some negative parts about myself that, in the past, weren't surfaced enough to actually be dealt with. I knew those issues were there, I just never had an environment push me far enough for them to surface.
So much of this city is broken and angry. There always seems to be someone yelling somewhere. Then there are the people who are just inappropriate. My roommate Hannah and I have often laughed about the ways we react to being cat-called and sometimes touched. I've gone from just ignoring it to becoming so annoyed that I've honestly wanted to loudly confront them with not-so-loving words. It's a tough place to live.
(For the women in my life: Seriously, do not be alarmed. I don't need to be protected, it's all more-or-less harmless stuff. It's just annoying. All females who live in the city deal with it.)
I've been tested most at my work place. Confronted with constant negativity, gossiping, complaining, and pretty disgusting humor, I've had a difficult time holding my ground. I would be lying if I told you I didn't cuss at anyone, have a negative attitude, or say negative things about people. I'm far from proud of my actions. I realized I have no reason to blame it on the people around me. My actions are a direct reflection of the condition of my heart. It's my issue. After a while I became very upset with my inability to control what came out of my mouth, as well as the rage that boiled up towards my co-workers. I became extremely mad at a few of the people who encouraged my negative behavior and enjoyed hearing me curse and become angry, finding it entertaining. Each time, my heart would sink a little in disappointment. I would think to myself, "This is not Christ-like at all".
Last night at Hillsong NYC, Pastor Brian talked about two things. His first sermon was about how where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. The Holy Spirit is freedom, He is free to move however he wishes. If there is bondage or fear in a part of your life, invite the Holy Spirit to be there.
The second sermon was about anchoring yourself in him because there is nothing greater than Jehovah. Our hope is anchored in him by to immutable things: His oath and his promise. When an oath is taken, it's taken by a name or a person higher than the person taking the oath. God to an oath with himself because there is no name higher than his own. And because God cannot lie, he cannot break that oath or promise.
I realized that I have not been anchoring myself in him the last few months like I should, nor have I been inviting his Holy Spirit into the areas of my life that were not stable. During worship, Father brought back moments in my life in the form of pictures, reminding me of the heart he gave me, who he made me to be, and how he was with me every step of the way. He showed me image after image, and I felt his peace over me. What is so amazing about Father is that I can mess up, and miss represent, and be unloving, yet he still receives me and sees me as clean and perfect because of Jesus. I wasn't condemned or put in "time out" for my inability to be loving or a good example. He simply reminded me of the goodness in my heart. Overcoming these trials were just part of the process of healing, learning and relearning to anchor myself in Him and his word.
It isn't easy to be like Jesus, especially in this city. My prayer is that He gives me inspiration for new and creative ways to be like Him in this crazy place. The summer is basically over now and a new season is beginning as I dive into the real reason God has me here. I'm thankful that I'm beginning school with the reminder to anchor myself in Him as well as a foundation in an amazing church of loving friends who encourage me in my relationship with Him. He knows all, His timing his perfect, and everything he does works in my favor, even though I may not understand it.
Hold onto your faith! Take courage and anchor yourself in him! He IS with you!
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Fearlessness
I don't believe I'll ever cease to be amazed by the fact that I'm living in New York. It's not the simple fact that I'm living in the New York City that amazes me. There are 8.2 million people who do it everyday. It's obviously very do-able. What amazes me is why I'm here, and how I got to be here.
By the COMPLETE grace of Jehovah.
I've been told, as well as commented to others, that my life is like a movie.
Right now I'm sitting in the lobby/common room of the Graduate Musical Theatre Writing Program (GMTWP) on the 2nd floor of Tisch, allowing the wonder of it all to sink in. Classes begin in 27 days and I could not be more excited about diving into 2 years of grueling creativity, critique, and collaboration.
Initially, I was terrified because, let's be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing. My Dad and I laugh about it regularly. My class was asked to write a 250 word bio for general "get to know you" information and I think my word count stopped at 45. The first 30 words or so explained where I'm from, (no where and everywhere) and the last 15, my education. News Flash: I'm only 23 and I'm not a prodigy. In other words, normal.
Then, in conversation with my future classmates, I discovered that everyone felt the same way. Even those who have had far more experience than I felt intimidated by the program.
It was then that I was struck with a beautiful revelation: I have no reason to be afraid.
I've decided to fight for a mindset based on fearlessness, which, when you think about it, is simply an extension of Jehovah's love.
1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment and whoever fears punishment has not been perfected in love." (ESV)
Failing at something is punishment enough for a perfectionist such as I. But when I allow the love of the Father to define my worth, the desire to prove myself to the world around me vaporizes. This freedom allows me to focus on the joys of creativity, exploration, discovery, and personal growth. If I entered into the program expecting to produce masterpieces or hoping that I wouldn't write terrible drafts... I wouldn't need to be here. I'm choosing not to be afraid of failure but look forward to what that failure will teach me. So, really, it's not failure at all!
In the big picture, it's not about me. I'm in this program because this is where Jehovah lead me to be. I have no idea how He will eventually use it for His glory. I'm not here because I want to learn how to be a famous Musical Theatre bookwriter. I have no expectations as far as what is going to happen when the program is all said and done. All I know is that I'm going to have the time of my life learning how to do what the Lord gave me a passion for! I'll find out what to do with it later.
Fearlessness, living in the perfect love of the Father... how else can I say it? IT'S SO GOOD.
By the COMPLETE grace of Jehovah.
I've been told, as well as commented to others, that my life is like a movie.
Right now I'm sitting in the lobby/common room of the Graduate Musical Theatre Writing Program (GMTWP) on the 2nd floor of Tisch, allowing the wonder of it all to sink in. Classes begin in 27 days and I could not be more excited about diving into 2 years of grueling creativity, critique, and collaboration.
Initially, I was terrified because, let's be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing. My Dad and I laugh about it regularly. My class was asked to write a 250 word bio for general "get to know you" information and I think my word count stopped at 45. The first 30 words or so explained where I'm from, (no where and everywhere) and the last 15, my education. News Flash: I'm only 23 and I'm not a prodigy. In other words, normal.
It was then that I was struck with a beautiful revelation: I have no reason to be afraid.
I've decided to fight for a mindset based on fearlessness, which, when you think about it, is simply an extension of Jehovah's love.
1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment and whoever fears punishment has not been perfected in love." (ESV)
Failing at something is punishment enough for a perfectionist such as I. But when I allow the love of the Father to define my worth, the desire to prove myself to the world around me vaporizes. This freedom allows me to focus on the joys of creativity, exploration, discovery, and personal growth. If I entered into the program expecting to produce masterpieces or hoping that I wouldn't write terrible drafts... I wouldn't need to be here. I'm choosing not to be afraid of failure but look forward to what that failure will teach me. So, really, it's not failure at all!
In the big picture, it's not about me. I'm in this program because this is where Jehovah lead me to be. I have no idea how He will eventually use it for His glory. I'm not here because I want to learn how to be a famous Musical Theatre bookwriter. I have no expectations as far as what is going to happen when the program is all said and done. All I know is that I'm going to have the time of my life learning how to do what the Lord gave me a passion for! I'll find out what to do with it later.
Fearlessness, living in the perfect love of the Father... how else can I say it? IT'S SO GOOD.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Breaking Through the Mundane
Last Tuesday marked five weeks in New York. Since I last blogged, not a great deal has happened. I've met several very interesting people, a few homeless, one a Greek/Armenian-French guy by the name of Yachel who works at a fitness center in the wee hours of the morning, a few people from Hillsong NYC... Tonight, some random fellow, David, who split half a pound of Lychee fruits with me while sitting on a stoop on 12th street. And although this has all been very interesting and exciting, it's been a struggle not to fall into the mundane.
I've only been here five weeks, but it feels like so much longer. It's so easy to feel swallowed by life in such a mass of people. It's just like any other place in the world where you have a routine. Work, Eat, sleep, repeat. In the repetition, I feel as if my spirit falls asleep. In a matter of days I forget all that Yahweh has blessed me with and I feel aimless. It's easy to do when you're living to survive.
As I was expressing my needs to Him Wednesday evening while journaling in "the bean" (a coffee shop) I asked him to speak and raise up my spirit. Literally, right after I finished writing that, a song came onto the radio that caught my attention. I'd never heard it before, didn't know who it was by... but God spoke through it.
Here are the lyrics.
When darkness falls
And surrounds you
When you fall down
When you're scared
And you're lost
Be brave
I'm coming to hold you now
When all your strength has gone
And you feel wrong
Like your life has slipped away
Follow me
You can follow me
And I will not desert you now
When your fire's died out
No one's there
They have left you for dead
Follow me
You can follow me
I will keep you safe
Follow me
You can follow me
I will protect you
I won't let them hurt
They're hurting you, no
Ooh yeah
When your heart is breaking
You can follow me
You can follow me
I will always keep you safe
Follow me
You can trust in me
I will always protect you, my love
Feel my love
Feel my love
I looked up the song later and it turns out it's called "Follow me" by Muse, written about having a baby from the point of view of the father. But for me, it was an answer to my prayer. It gets me thinking too - What does it mean to "follow him"?
I know what the church tells me it means to follow Jesus. It's the same explanations of what it means to be a Christian. But, as always, saying or understanding a concept is different than where one's heart is. Anytime that I live in fear, I am not trusting Him. When I begin to strive and stress about what "I'm suppose to be doing", I'm not following Him. It just seems to me that if I stop stressing about my financial situation and stop desperately scraping for answers that will fix all of my "problems" and simply turn my eyes towards the beauty of who Jesus is and the goodness of Yahweh, it will all come together!
When I asked God for help, when I asked him to speak into my situation He said "Follow Me". He did not say, "Ok Clara, here's what you need to do: apply for another job" or "Sell all of your things!" He said "Follow me".
Translation: Relax girl, I got you! Just let me take care of it!
The misconception is that when we "wait" on Him to move, we're being lazy. That is living in a works mentality. Do do do do do! Works without Love are nothing. Do what you are called to do. Anything else is being done in your own power and will make you tired. Are our relationships with Him so weak that we do not trust him to actually take care of things? He always comes through and never fails. Maybe not the way we would like him to, but he does. And the thing is, he can't if we don't allow him to. I think many times we think, "Who am I to think that God would provide for me in this way?" The truth is, the Lord wants us to step out in faith that he will provide. He desires to bless us every day! But we first, must have faith! Where do we gain this faith? In the deepening of our relationship with him, in the trust, in the release of our burdens to him. Don't limit Him because of your belief that you're not worth His miracles.
News Flash: God can do anything... He's GOD. Miracles are an easy thing for him. It isn't as if He's going WAY out of His way for you when He provides for your needs. But I believe he allows things to happen so that we draw closer into him. It's all about the relationship.
Ultimately, God is good and always will be. Following him doesn't mean he's going to give me answers of action for me to carry out. It means to sink into relationship with him and trust him, as well as my own ability to hear him, that he will give me a task when he has one for me. Until then, relax, do what ya do, and be in tune with him so that when he does have a task, I will be ready to serve with everything in me!
I've only been here five weeks, but it feels like so much longer. It's so easy to feel swallowed by life in such a mass of people. It's just like any other place in the world where you have a routine. Work, Eat, sleep, repeat. In the repetition, I feel as if my spirit falls asleep. In a matter of days I forget all that Yahweh has blessed me with and I feel aimless. It's easy to do when you're living to survive.
As I was expressing my needs to Him Wednesday evening while journaling in "the bean" (a coffee shop) I asked him to speak and raise up my spirit. Literally, right after I finished writing that, a song came onto the radio that caught my attention. I'd never heard it before, didn't know who it was by... but God spoke through it.
Here are the lyrics.
When darkness falls
And surrounds you
When you fall down
When you're scared
And you're lost
Be brave
I'm coming to hold you now
When all your strength has gone
And you feel wrong
Like your life has slipped away
Follow me
You can follow me
And I will not desert you now
When your fire's died out
No one's there
They have left you for dead
Follow me
You can follow me
I will keep you safe
Follow me
You can follow me
I will protect you
I won't let them hurt
They're hurting you, no
Ooh yeah
When your heart is breaking
You can follow me
You can follow me
I will always keep you safe
Follow me
You can trust in me
I will always protect you, my love
Feel my love
Feel my love
I looked up the song later and it turns out it's called "Follow me" by Muse, written about having a baby from the point of view of the father. But for me, it was an answer to my prayer. It gets me thinking too - What does it mean to "follow him"?
I know what the church tells me it means to follow Jesus. It's the same explanations of what it means to be a Christian. But, as always, saying or understanding a concept is different than where one's heart is. Anytime that I live in fear, I am not trusting Him. When I begin to strive and stress about what "I'm suppose to be doing", I'm not following Him. It just seems to me that if I stop stressing about my financial situation and stop desperately scraping for answers that will fix all of my "problems" and simply turn my eyes towards the beauty of who Jesus is and the goodness of Yahweh, it will all come together!
When I asked God for help, when I asked him to speak into my situation He said "Follow Me". He did not say, "Ok Clara, here's what you need to do: apply for another job" or "Sell all of your things!" He said "Follow me".
Translation: Relax girl, I got you! Just let me take care of it!
The misconception is that when we "wait" on Him to move, we're being lazy. That is living in a works mentality. Do do do do do! Works without Love are nothing. Do what you are called to do. Anything else is being done in your own power and will make you tired. Are our relationships with Him so weak that we do not trust him to actually take care of things? He always comes through and never fails. Maybe not the way we would like him to, but he does. And the thing is, he can't if we don't allow him to. I think many times we think, "Who am I to think that God would provide for me in this way?" The truth is, the Lord wants us to step out in faith that he will provide. He desires to bless us every day! But we first, must have faith! Where do we gain this faith? In the deepening of our relationship with him, in the trust, in the release of our burdens to him. Don't limit Him because of your belief that you're not worth His miracles.
News Flash: God can do anything... He's GOD. Miracles are an easy thing for him. It isn't as if He's going WAY out of His way for you when He provides for your needs. But I believe he allows things to happen so that we draw closer into him. It's all about the relationship.
Ultimately, God is good and always will be. Following him doesn't mean he's going to give me answers of action for me to carry out. It means to sink into relationship with him and trust him, as well as my own ability to hear him, that he will give me a task when he has one for me. Until then, relax, do what ya do, and be in tune with him so that when he does have a task, I will be ready to serve with everything in me!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Patience in Growth
Last night at Hillsong NYC - Heart and Soul - Guest Pastor Phil Dooley gave an amazing illustration about what it means to be fruitful. We often ask God for abundant fruitfulness, an orchard of fruit, and God said he would give us that. So we open our hands to receive this orchard of fruitfulness and in our hands God drops a seed.
I don't know how many of you have ever gardened before, but even if you haven't, it's common knowledge that it takes time for a seed to grow up from underneath the soil. And it takes a great deal of time for that plant to grow before it can begin baring fruit. But in the mean time, that plant has to be taken care of. It needs good soil with nutrients to feed it. So I ask myself, what kind of soil am I feeding off of? What does my spirit need to be feed in order to bear good fruit? Also, don't be a potted plant. Pastor Phil used the illustration of a potted plant to explain how some Christians are living. Potted plants are all about appearance. Some people are only concerned with how it looks on the surface of the soil. But the roots are trapped, and limited. So when the enemy comes along, it's so easy for him to uproot you. Not only that, but potted plants don't bear good fruit. We have to allow ourselves to go deeper.
What stood out to me the most from his message as I related it to my own life was "What is the fruit for?" The apple is not for the apple tree's enjoyment. The fruit I bear as a Christian is not meant for my personal enjoyment. The fruit I bear is for the next generation. It is meant for others to take and eat. And when you bear good fruit, people will begin to gather around and see the good fruit that is a manifestation of the spirit of God inside of me. They will eat of it and open doors for the spirit of God to move inside of them.
I've been in New York a total of two weeks and two days. It feels like so much longer. The funny thing is, I'll be here for the next two years at the very least and it will probably go by fast. I finally feel like I've settled in some. It doesn't yet feel like "home" but I'm sure it won't be long before it does. I'm so ready at any moment to see God move. I want everyday to be filled with miracles and supernatural experiences. I want to always be open to those possibilities, but I also need to remember to have patience.
In this season, I believe a new seed has been planted and it is just beginning to take root. I have a lot of growing to do. I'm working on my orchard and that takes time, and patience. It doesn't happen all at once. But the beautiful thing about growth is that it happens on it's own. All I do is make sure I'm feeding my spirit the word of God and seeking his presence, which, at this point, I can't stand life without his presence.
Basically, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. GOD does the work. All I have to do is focus on him. Easier said than done, but really, it's only as difficult as you allow the enemy to tell you it is.
I don't know how many of you have ever gardened before, but even if you haven't, it's common knowledge that it takes time for a seed to grow up from underneath the soil. And it takes a great deal of time for that plant to grow before it can begin baring fruit. But in the mean time, that plant has to be taken care of. It needs good soil with nutrients to feed it. So I ask myself, what kind of soil am I feeding off of? What does my spirit need to be feed in order to bear good fruit? Also, don't be a potted plant. Pastor Phil used the illustration of a potted plant to explain how some Christians are living. Potted plants are all about appearance. Some people are only concerned with how it looks on the surface of the soil. But the roots are trapped, and limited. So when the enemy comes along, it's so easy for him to uproot you. Not only that, but potted plants don't bear good fruit. We have to allow ourselves to go deeper.
What stood out to me the most from his message as I related it to my own life was "What is the fruit for?" The apple is not for the apple tree's enjoyment. The fruit I bear as a Christian is not meant for my personal enjoyment. The fruit I bear is for the next generation. It is meant for others to take and eat. And when you bear good fruit, people will begin to gather around and see the good fruit that is a manifestation of the spirit of God inside of me. They will eat of it and open doors for the spirit of God to move inside of them.
I've been in New York a total of two weeks and two days. It feels like so much longer. The funny thing is, I'll be here for the next two years at the very least and it will probably go by fast. I finally feel like I've settled in some. It doesn't yet feel like "home" but I'm sure it won't be long before it does. I'm so ready at any moment to see God move. I want everyday to be filled with miracles and supernatural experiences. I want to always be open to those possibilities, but I also need to remember to have patience.
In this season, I believe a new seed has been planted and it is just beginning to take root. I have a lot of growing to do. I'm working on my orchard and that takes time, and patience. It doesn't happen all at once. But the beautiful thing about growth is that it happens on it's own. All I do is make sure I'm feeding my spirit the word of God and seeking his presence, which, at this point, I can't stand life without his presence.
Basically, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. GOD does the work. All I have to do is focus on him. Easier said than done, but really, it's only as difficult as you allow the enemy to tell you it is.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Testing Your Faith
In my last blog, I talked about a blessed and relaxed first day in the Big Apple. Today, my blog is a little more challenging.
Yesterday was my first night on the floor at The Melting Pot in Hoboken. Praise the Lord I have a job. It was a blessing for me since I was down to the last of my cash and the night gave me a good boost. However, it was a nightmare. The branch has experienced a string of bad luck and bad management, so it's not in the best shape. That, of course, is a massive understatement. I'll spare you the details, but within two hours of being there, it easily matched my stress level from when I worked at another restaurant during the time I worked three jobs. Apart from all the technical and physical issues of the restaurant, the thing that effected me the most was the spirit of the place. Upon leaving, I felt so spiritually drained that it has taken me all afternoon to be refilled. The aggressive negativity of most of the entire company quickly sucked my spirit under into this nasty pit of darkness. I was not prepared. I ended up making it back to my apartment around 3:30am because after getting out at 1:45am and waiting for the 2:08 train back to the city, I decided to walk the ten blocks from the path instead of taking the L so I could call a friend of mine to vent. I stopped for a $3.50 piece of pizza because you can do that here. I spent most of today attempting to recover from last night, sleeping, praise music, desperately asking God to refresh my spirit in worship... I've frankly been asking Him how I'm to survive this job. He provided it for me and I feel as though I have more reason to stay than just the need for money.
Welcome to New York.
Yet, there is hope. Because of the general manager's openness, I have been asked to give any and all suggestions based off of my experience at The Melting Pot Birmingham. In the one night I was there, I feel as though I have established myself well with the other servers from that shift as well as the managers. I hope that I can be a light to fight the darkness.
Help me Lord, to you be the glory.
Because the truth is, I have been praying for opportunities for God to use me. I've been asking for supernatural acts, wonders, and sensitivity to His spirit guiding me to act when he calls. I am reminded that for a miracle to take place, the situation has to be outside the power of any man.
The first book of James says to...
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." - James 1:2-4
I spoke to my Dad over the phone and he suggested that this may be a training ground for leadership.
Lord. Help. Me. So I will count it all joy, that this is a testing of my faith so that I may grow stronger in who God is creating me to be.
One thing, though, I'll ever get used to (and hope I never do) is running across the homeless. It breaks my heart every time. I've come across several situations already where I felt helpless as a small female women in a big city, walking past men and women begging for help.
Welcome to the world.
One of my most shocking experiences included a man I came across in March when I was here for Applicant weekend at NYU. He was a tall, skinny, older black man with a small plastic cup and a hum-drum made-up song about sparing a dollar for the homeless. He was obviously not "all there". His eyes were blank and you could only catch a word here and there when he sang. I saw him three different times on the A train the four days I was here. The last time I saw him he walked onto the A train and began his song, holding his tiny, empty plastic cup. My heart went out to him. I didn't have any cash, and even if I did, who knew what he would do if I gave him any. So I began to pray under my breath, asking God to provide for his needs and cover him. It wasn't five seconds into my prayer when he kneels down, not 3-4 feel away from me, using the center pole for balance, and begins to pray out loud. It was some broken version of The Lord's Prayer. I almost started crying.
It occurred to me, whose fault is it that he was in the state he's in? He once has his mind, probably friends and family, possibly siblings. What was his story? Who didn't speak up when he needed a word from the Lord?
Last night, though, I saw a homeless man whom, I think, might have been dying. I'm not sure. I'm no doctor. But at 2:00am on Hoboken platform for the path back to the city I spotted him. His left pant leg rolled up and the leg that jutted out was massively swollen, the veins were blue, and it looked extremely painful. There was no sign of a wound so I assumed it was some kind of infection. He was older with a full beard. But the worst part was that I think he might have been throwing up blood.
This is very difficult for me to tell you about because it was extremely disturbing. I could barely get the story out when I was telling my friend about it on my walk home. It makes my stomach turn.
I didn't see him throw it up, I just noticed small pools of what looked like watered down blood around him where he had come to sit and the end of the bench near me. I begged God for guidance and prayed for him. Everything in me wanted to have the courage and faith to pray healing over him. I got the words that the Lord wanted to restore his life, but I was too afraid to talk to him. It was dangerous. He was obviously very sick. I didn't know what to do. I gag just thinking about it. I didn't know what to do and ended up helplessly leaving him there. When the train came, I was so torn up about it, I prayed that he wouldn't follow into my train car because I couldn't handle it. This man might have been dieing and I felt so helpless.
I know that my God is bigger than everything and He uses foolishness to confound the wise. If God was calling me to speak to him or pray for him, everything would have been fine. But my faith is not as strong as that yet. It breaks my heart. I followed my common sense and fear of what might happen had I spoken to him. But I pray for a day when I have enough faith that if and when the Lord calls me to a dangerous situation that I will have the faith that he will walk me through it. Last night was not that time. I do believe I did the right thing. But I also hope that in the future I will have the faith to act if the Lord calls me to in a situation such as that.
This world needs light. This world needs bold believers and faithful servants. Your faith will be tested and I encourage you to stay strong. When you pray, "Lord, Here am I... send me," be aware of what you are praying. Be aware that in order to grow, you must be challenged. Walk boldly in faith, take courage that He is with you and you will witness miracles. I believe it. I desire it. It terrifies me right now, but my desire to see God's hand move over this city is steadfast. New York is a very dark place.
The Father has great need of you. Run after Him like you've never run before. We are His hands and feet. But remember, it is not WE who do it. I have done nothing in my own power, only in the submission and obedience to His leading. Anything I have ever tried to do in my own power "for him" has failed. First and foremost, seek Him. He will strengthen your faith and give you the courage you need to do what he instructs you to do.
I'm praying for you as I hope you will pray for me.
Thank you and God Bless.
Glory be to Yahweh.
Yesterday was my first night on the floor at The Melting Pot in Hoboken. Praise the Lord I have a job. It was a blessing for me since I was down to the last of my cash and the night gave me a good boost. However, it was a nightmare. The branch has experienced a string of bad luck and bad management, so it's not in the best shape. That, of course, is a massive understatement. I'll spare you the details, but within two hours of being there, it easily matched my stress level from when I worked at another restaurant during the time I worked three jobs. Apart from all the technical and physical issues of the restaurant, the thing that effected me the most was the spirit of the place. Upon leaving, I felt so spiritually drained that it has taken me all afternoon to be refilled. The aggressive negativity of most of the entire company quickly sucked my spirit under into this nasty pit of darkness. I was not prepared. I ended up making it back to my apartment around 3:30am because after getting out at 1:45am and waiting for the 2:08 train back to the city, I decided to walk the ten blocks from the path instead of taking the L so I could call a friend of mine to vent. I stopped for a $3.50 piece of pizza because you can do that here. I spent most of today attempting to recover from last night, sleeping, praise music, desperately asking God to refresh my spirit in worship... I've frankly been asking Him how I'm to survive this job. He provided it for me and I feel as though I have more reason to stay than just the need for money.
Welcome to New York.
Yet, there is hope. Because of the general manager's openness, I have been asked to give any and all suggestions based off of my experience at The Melting Pot Birmingham. In the one night I was there, I feel as though I have established myself well with the other servers from that shift as well as the managers. I hope that I can be a light to fight the darkness.
Help me Lord, to you be the glory.
Because the truth is, I have been praying for opportunities for God to use me. I've been asking for supernatural acts, wonders, and sensitivity to His spirit guiding me to act when he calls. I am reminded that for a miracle to take place, the situation has to be outside the power of any man.
The first book of James says to...
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." - James 1:2-4
I spoke to my Dad over the phone and he suggested that this may be a training ground for leadership.
Lord. Help. Me. So I will count it all joy, that this is a testing of my faith so that I may grow stronger in who God is creating me to be.
One thing, though, I'll ever get used to (and hope I never do) is running across the homeless. It breaks my heart every time. I've come across several situations already where I felt helpless as a small female women in a big city, walking past men and women begging for help.
Welcome to the world.
One of my most shocking experiences included a man I came across in March when I was here for Applicant weekend at NYU. He was a tall, skinny, older black man with a small plastic cup and a hum-drum made-up song about sparing a dollar for the homeless. He was obviously not "all there". His eyes were blank and you could only catch a word here and there when he sang. I saw him three different times on the A train the four days I was here. The last time I saw him he walked onto the A train and began his song, holding his tiny, empty plastic cup. My heart went out to him. I didn't have any cash, and even if I did, who knew what he would do if I gave him any. So I began to pray under my breath, asking God to provide for his needs and cover him. It wasn't five seconds into my prayer when he kneels down, not 3-4 feel away from me, using the center pole for balance, and begins to pray out loud. It was some broken version of The Lord's Prayer. I almost started crying.
It occurred to me, whose fault is it that he was in the state he's in? He once has his mind, probably friends and family, possibly siblings. What was his story? Who didn't speak up when he needed a word from the Lord?
Last night, though, I saw a homeless man whom, I think, might have been dying. I'm not sure. I'm no doctor. But at 2:00am on Hoboken platform for the path back to the city I spotted him. His left pant leg rolled up and the leg that jutted out was massively swollen, the veins were blue, and it looked extremely painful. There was no sign of a wound so I assumed it was some kind of infection. He was older with a full beard. But the worst part was that I think he might have been throwing up blood.
This is very difficult for me to tell you about because it was extremely disturbing. I could barely get the story out when I was telling my friend about it on my walk home. It makes my stomach turn.
I didn't see him throw it up, I just noticed small pools of what looked like watered down blood around him where he had come to sit and the end of the bench near me. I begged God for guidance and prayed for him. Everything in me wanted to have the courage and faith to pray healing over him. I got the words that the Lord wanted to restore his life, but I was too afraid to talk to him. It was dangerous. He was obviously very sick. I didn't know what to do. I gag just thinking about it. I didn't know what to do and ended up helplessly leaving him there. When the train came, I was so torn up about it, I prayed that he wouldn't follow into my train car because I couldn't handle it. This man might have been dieing and I felt so helpless.
I know that my God is bigger than everything and He uses foolishness to confound the wise. If God was calling me to speak to him or pray for him, everything would have been fine. But my faith is not as strong as that yet. It breaks my heart. I followed my common sense and fear of what might happen had I spoken to him. But I pray for a day when I have enough faith that if and when the Lord calls me to a dangerous situation that I will have the faith that he will walk me through it. Last night was not that time. I do believe I did the right thing. But I also hope that in the future I will have the faith to act if the Lord calls me to in a situation such as that.
This world needs light. This world needs bold believers and faithful servants. Your faith will be tested and I encourage you to stay strong. When you pray, "Lord, Here am I... send me," be aware of what you are praying. Be aware that in order to grow, you must be challenged. Walk boldly in faith, take courage that He is with you and you will witness miracles. I believe it. I desire it. It terrifies me right now, but my desire to see God's hand move over this city is steadfast. New York is a very dark place.
The Father has great need of you. Run after Him like you've never run before. We are His hands and feet. But remember, it is not WE who do it. I have done nothing in my own power, only in the submission and obedience to His leading. Anything I have ever tried to do in my own power "for him" has failed. First and foremost, seek Him. He will strengthen your faith and give you the courage you need to do what he instructs you to do.
I'm praying for you as I hope you will pray for me.
Thank you and God Bless.
Glory be to Yahweh.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
The First 24
I woke up this morning around 8:00am, unable to fall back asleep. The window
was open and a myriad of city sounds were floating in with the breeze. I was
happy to hear that city sounds include the morning songs of birds along with
construction, cars, and the occasional human morning song. I slept on a padded
mattress with one sheet to cover me, and a pillow under my head. Both items
were provided by my new roommate, Hannah, for none of my belongings have
arrived yet. Hannah is a very sweet young lady, my age, who is a graduate from NYU with a degree in Theatre. I met her in person for the first time yesterday, after I wandered through East Village trying to find the apartment. Our meeting was sufficiently awkward and a tiny bit forced which is honestly no big surprise. Most obligatory first meetings with strangers aren’t natural. Since she is rather quiet I uncontrollably babbled to fill the space that would be awkward silence. The sound of a saxophone, that Hannah later explained was one of our neighbors, came from outside the window (which is obviously a beautiful portal of sound).
After she left for work, I took a much-needed nap on that naked mattress. When I awoke, it was early evening and the sun was low. I decided to take a walk and find food. I ended up wandering around, somewhat zombie-like, as I was still exhausted from traveling, and eventually decided on pizza (as it was the easiest of choices for my poor little brain). I also stopped at Rite Aide and bought a few essentials (toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo, etc.) before I headed home (Home? What?) and proceeded to go back to bed.
This morning, I walked across the street to this adorable little coffee shop called “the bean” (specifically all lowercase letters) and asked for any bagel, I didn’t care which, and a medium coffee. I journaled and people watched… two things I love to do most.
I stopped back at the apartment to get my backpack and decided to explore. I ended up at Washington Square Park where I sat on a stone bench and enjoyed reading in the sun and breeze. Of course there was music; a few street performers playing Jazz. One guy had a saxophone (I sincerely wondered if he was my neighbor), and a group of three guys, one with a snare, kick, and a few symbols, and the other two with brass instruments. For some reason I can’t remember if the were both saxophones or not (I did not wonder whether either of them could have been my neighbor).
I think my favorite thing about New York by far is studying how everyone dresses. It’s utterly fascinating. It’s amazing, so many different people in one place. I could people watch forever.
But while I was enjoying myself in the park, two students, Lord forgive me for forgetting their names, asked if they could sit with me. It turned out that they were visiting New York for the month of June with the mission group CREW. We ended up having some good conversations about God and I prayed with/for them before we went our separate ways. Upon leaving they handed me a little flyer for a meeting at a Church called Apostle Now. Why not? They said there’d be free pizza, so… it sounds good to me! I kid, sort of. But I’m very excited about meeting new people.
It’s amazing how God connects us together so specifically. Who knows where God will take this opportunity? There were hundreds of people in that park and God led them to talk to me. I prayed for Godly friends and connections and within the first 24 hours God has already moved.
I can’t wait to see what else he has in store.
I’ve been here 24 hours, and I think I just might like it here. Maybe…
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