Anchored

Summer went by just as quickly as I thought it would. I finally feel like living here is normal. I'm so thankful that I moved here as early as I did since it took every minute for me to become comfortable in my new surroundings.

Orientation begins in two days. I'm excited to begin. But more than anything, I'm thankful that I'm beginning classes focused and relaxed.

The truth is, New York City has brought out some negative parts about myself that, in the past, weren't surfaced enough to actually be dealt with. I knew those issues were there, I just never had an environment push me far enough for them to surface.

So much of this city is broken and angry. There always seems to be someone yelling somewhere. Then there are the people who are just inappropriate. My roommate Hannah and I have often laughed about the ways we react to being cat-called and sometimes touched. I've gone from just ignoring it to becoming so annoyed that I've honestly wanted to loudly confront them with not-so-loving words. It's a tough place to live.
(For the women in my life: Seriously, do not be alarmed. I don't need to be protected, it's all more-or-less harmless stuff. It's just annoying. All females who live in the city deal with it.)

I've been tested most at my work place. Confronted with constant negativity, gossiping, complaining, and pretty disgusting humor, I've had a difficult time holding my ground. I would be lying if I told you I didn't cuss at anyone, have a negative attitude, or say negative things about people. I'm far from proud of my actions. I realized I have no reason to blame it on the people around me. My actions are a direct reflection of the condition of my heart. It's my issue. After a while I became very upset with my inability to control what came out of my mouth, as well as the rage that boiled up towards my co-workers. I became extremely mad at a few of the people who encouraged my negative behavior and enjoyed hearing me curse and become angry, finding it entertaining. Each time, my heart would sink a little in disappointment. I would think to myself, "This is not Christ-like at all".

Last night at Hillsong NYC, Pastor Brian talked about two things. His first sermon was about how where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. The Holy Spirit is freedom, He is free to move however he wishes. If there is bondage or fear in a part of your life, invite the Holy Spirit to be there.
The second sermon was about anchoring yourself in him because there is nothing greater than Jehovah. Our hope is anchored in him by to immutable things: His oath and his promise. When an oath is taken, it's taken by a name or a person higher than the person taking the oath. God to an oath with himself because there is no name higher than his own. And because God cannot lie, he cannot break that oath or promise.

I realized that I have not been anchoring myself in him the last few months like I should, nor have I been inviting his Holy Spirit into the areas of my life that were not stable. During worship, Father brought back moments in my life in the form of pictures, reminding me of the heart he gave me, who he made me to be, and how he was with me every step of the way. He showed me image after image, and I felt his peace over me. What is so amazing about Father is that I can mess up, and miss represent, and be unloving, yet he still receives me and sees me as clean and perfect because of Jesus. I wasn't condemned or put in "time out" for my inability to be loving or a good example. He simply reminded me of the goodness in my heart. Overcoming these trials were just part of the process of healing, learning and relearning to anchor myself in Him and his word.

It isn't easy to be like Jesus, especially in this city. My prayer is that He gives me inspiration for new and creative ways to be like Him in this crazy place. The summer is basically over now and a new season is beginning as I dive into the real reason God has me here. I'm thankful that I'm beginning school with the reminder to anchor myself in Him as well as a foundation in an amazing church of loving friends who encourage me in my relationship with Him.  He knows all, His timing his perfect, and everything he does works in my favor, even though I may not understand it.

Hold onto your faith! Take courage and anchor yourself in him! He IS with you!

Fearlessness

I don't believe I'll ever cease to be amazed by the fact that I'm living in New York.  It's not the simple fact that I'm living in the New York City that amazes me. There are 8.2 million people who do it everyday. It's obviously very do-able. What amazes me is why I'm here, and how I got to be here.

By the COMPLETE grace of Jehovah.

I've been told, as well as commented to others, that my life is like a movie.

Right now I'm sitting in the lobby/common room of the Graduate Musical Theatre Writing Program (GMTWP) on the 2nd floor of Tisch, allowing the wonder of it all to sink in. Classes begin in 27 days and I could not be more excited about diving into 2 years of grueling creativity, critique, and collaboration. 

Initially, I was terrified because, let's be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing. My Dad and I laugh about it regularly. My class was asked to write a 250 word bio for general "get to know you" information and I think my word count stopped at 45. The first 30 words or so explained where I'm from, (no where and everywhere) and the last 15, my education. News Flash: I'm only 23 and I'm not a prodigy. In other words, normal.

Then, in conversation with my future classmates, I discovered that everyone felt the same way. Even those who have had far more experience than I felt intimidated by the program. 

It was then that I was struck with a beautiful revelation: I have no reason to be afraid.
I've decided to fight for a mindset based on fearlessness, which, when you think about it, is simply an extension of Jehovah's love.

1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment and whoever fears punishment has not been perfected in love." (ESV)

Failing at something is punishment enough for a perfectionist such as I. But when I allow the love of the Father to define my worth, the desire to prove myself to the world around me vaporizes. This freedom allows me to focus on the joys of creativity, exploration, discovery, and personal growth. If I entered into the program expecting to produce masterpieces or hoping that I wouldn't write terrible drafts... I wouldn't need to be here. I'm choosing not to be afraid of failure but look forward to what that failure will teach me. So, really, it's not failure at all!

In the big picture, it's not about me. I'm in this program because this is where Jehovah lead me to be. I have no idea how He will eventually use it for His glory. I'm not here because I want to learn how to be a famous Musical Theatre bookwriter. I have no expectations as far as what is going to happen when the program is all said and done. All I know is that I'm going to have the time of my life learning how to do what the Lord gave me a passion for! I'll find out what to do with it later.

Fearlessness, living in the perfect love of the Father... how else can I say it? IT'S SO GOOD.