Four Days

Only four more days until I am on the plane headed to New York City, where my life is going to basically be turned upside down. About two weeks ago, I expressed that the reality of moving to New York hadn't hit me.

This week has been a tidal wave.

I was just describing to a friend last night how I'm so all-around exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally, that I feel like I've been placed inside an empty coffee can and violently shaken. It's been a rough week. Not bad by any means, just stressful. 



The most difficult thing about this move for me is that I haven't had time to process. It's definitely not a smooth transition. I'll be here Monday, I take a plane Tuesday morning and...

BAM

I'm living in New York.

I desperately need to lean into Father. This last week I have been under attack. It seriously just looks like a string of bad luck (specifically with vehicles). However, I don't believe in "bad luck". The enemy also took a stab at a few of my deepest insecurities. The confidence I have in who I am, how I love, and my excitement about having a new start in New York, all-of-a-sudden turned into fear. That is NOT my loving God.

So here I am, four days from take off, desperately fighting to keep my peace, my confidence, my faith...

But I'm choosing today:
not to be afraid 
not to allow the enemy to make me feel inferior/steal my peace
not to look into the past and play the "should have" or "what if" game
to walk in the love and the confidence I have because of CHRIST
to remember who I serve
and to remember to take off the limits

I refuse to confine GOD to my understanding of him, to "rational thought", or within a structured, legalistic, and organized system of logic or teaching defined by the church.

GOD is GOD and He will move however He pleases. It is not my place to question it, only to follow.

"Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements - surely you know!" - Job 38:4-5

I love the last few chapters of the book of Job. Yahweh's voice is very sarcastic. Since sarcasm is something I really relate to, I love it.  It's humorous to me because God is more or less saying, "Silly human, whom I created, STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW THINGS. I WILL DO WHAT I PLEASE BECAUSE I AM GOD AND I CAN."

It's humbling.

So as this new season takes it's turn, as old things die and make room for the new to take it's place, I am reminded, again, of Gods amazing grace, love, and the freedom of simply being His with no expectations of perfection.

"I've got it under control, baby girl. Just enjoy the ride!"

Outside the Little Box

On an album I have, produced by Glory of Zion, some awesome guy with an accent talks about how (I'm paraphrasing) there is no security in what God is doing, only security in who He is. He doesn't call us to the ordinary, he calls us to the impossible. We're not able to do what God has called us to. He is the one who does it. He is strength in our weakness. So you cannot find security in what God is doing. We must trust in Him and the consistency of his goodness to get us through. And though He is consistent, he is completely unpredictable. You always know what he's going to be like, but you never know what he's going to do next. And when we embrace the fullness of who he is as an all powerful, sovereign, loving God, we cannot be happier.

Now, I've been learning a lot in the last year about taking the limits off of God. Taking off the limits is just another way to understand how to trust him. We limit God in our need for security. We try to figure him out, subconsciously creating formulas about how he works, still holding on to the control of certain aspects of our future, and not trusting in the fullness of his power. I personally don't like the unknown! So in the attempt to find security, we place limits on Him. The truth is, when we're trying to find security in what God does rather than who he is, we're actually trying to find security in our purpose. It's about us rather than Him. It's so easy to define our worth by what we do and how successful we are rather than simply living in the grace, mercy, and love of the Father.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" - 2 Corinthians 12:9

We are nothing without Him.
Let that sink in.
We are nothing without Him.

So if you look at what people can do in their own power - the success, the hard work - it's pretty amazing! Now... imagine letting go of all of the things we are capable of doing, and allowing God to step in and perform the impossible!

I used to think I could manipulate the system. It wasn't a conscious thing. I didn't think, "Hmm... how can I manipulate this situation so that I can have security?" but in retrospect that's how I acted. I tried to use my knowledge and understanding to figure everything out. I treated life like a puzzle I could put together and predict what God would do. I used symbolism, dreams, reading people, coincidence...  It acted as a security blanket, allowing me to be more in control. But the minute something didn't happen the way I thought it was suppose to happen, when I thought it was suppose to happen, I got angry at God. It reminds me of that saying, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." You cannot depend on knowledge or your own understanding. And though there may have been truth in the things I "figured out", it doesn't mean it was God. Leaning on your own understanding is an open door for the enemy to come in and confuse you and lie to you about who God is. If you're in fear, you've put God inside that metaphorical box that everyone talks about. The one where you can take him out now and then and pat him on the head affectionately when he does what you want him to, but get angry and ignore him when he doesn't...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path." - Proverbs 3:5-6

Every time I start feeling afraid I remind myself of who God is and who he's always been, and who he always will be: Good. Who am I to be afraid? The fear of God should wipe out all fear of man, or poverty. I remind myself that there is no pressure. If there is pressure it isn't God. I am nothing and it's OK for me to be nothing. He does the work, not me. The problem is, I want to do it. I want the credit, the satisfaction, and the glory. But it must all go to him. And there is freedom in being nothing because of the fact that there is no pressure! I am free to be a nobody and not live up to what the world tells me I need to live up to. I've been bailed out of that situation because Jesus took my place.

So I try to wake up every morning and acknowledge God. I want to begin my day by praising him for it and reminding myself of who he is. I try to remember to take the limits off of him, remind myself that he is Yahweh, the creator. He is great, good, and loving. If I remember these things, I am able to open my heart to him and receive the things he has for me in that day. Generally, those days end better than others. Not because they're "good" days or "bad" days, but because I have received his grace to either enjoy it or endure it. That's another thing I learned from Fresh Oil New Wine, the Glory of Zion album. (You should check it out)

Take the limits off. Life is so much richer when you allow the Father to lead. It's a little scary, yes, but you experience God's power again and again. It wouldn't be a good story if there wasn't any conflict. What does your story look like? Do you dream big? Take the limits off and the experiences you'll have will surpass your wildest dreams.

Purging The Things

Two weeks from today I will be in my new shared bedroom in lower Manhattan.  I'd be lying if I said I haven't been nervous about the move.

So far, the physical contents of my life can fit into about 12 small to medium sized boxes, a back pack, and then my guitar in its case. For most people that's nothing. For some, it's more than they've ever had. I honestly would like to be able to be satisfied living out of a suitcase, a backpack and a purse. I'd like to be able to be satisfied wearing the same 10 outfits every week. I'd like to never want to keep unnecessary amounts of books just because I like to have them, not because I'll ever need them again (though I've convinced myself I might).

Learning how to live without and be satisfied seems like such a difficult task. I'm spoiled. If I don't have the exact comfort I'm used to, I'm all of a sudden unhappy

I think the reason why I have such a hard time letting go of my things is because I cannot simply "buy another one." Life is expensive and I'm about to live in one of the most expensive cities in the States. It's funny how I can't afford to keep stuff, but I feel like can't afford to throw anything away.

It's moments like this where my faith is tested. I have to be at peace, stop trying to "do" and "make it work" because God's got it under control. If it were easy then it wouldn't be a miracle of God. I'm remembering that I need to take the limits off of God. In our fear of the unknown we limit his power in our lives.

I'm currently working on a separate post about removing the limits from God. It's just another one of those constant lessons that I don't know if we'll ever fully be able to live in with out having to consciously fight to remember it.

I'm not usually one to ask for prayer for myself, but I could use some.
Peace, Joy, and wisdom to know what I need to get done before the move. I would greatly appreciate it.

Go bless others, and be blessed. God is consistently good. Though I do not understand his ways, he is good.

The Prologue

I've created a blog page because more than one person asked me if I had one. Well, I didn't.

So I made one. *ta dah*

I stopped sharing my thoughts in blog form several years ago because it occurred to me that it was kind of narcissistic. I won't lie, I like the sound of my writing voice much more than my real one.  Blogging, for me, was a weird way of getting attention. I decided against posting notes on facebook anymore since it was a completely unsatisfying waste of energy. The committee in my head would always say things like, "You're trying too hard" or, "You sound stupid" or, "Who are you trying to impress?"  Now, I feel like it's a little different because I'm not doing it for me.

Over the years, I've come across some pretty amazing people. OK, a lot of really amazing people.
There is no possible way for me to keep up with everyone so if anyone wants to know what I'm up to...

BAM!

BLOG

You're welcome.
(kidding)

But really, it takes a lot energy for me to write about myself, you don't even know. This is actually my 3rd attempt at my first blog. What can I say? I'm a perfectionist, and picky. So this will be a good challenge for me.

New York - But God, see... 

I am about 2 1/2 weeks away from moving to the big apple. It hasn't become real to me yet. There are little pockets of realization here and there but I don't think it will truly sink in completely until I am on the plane.

Two weeks goes by so fast. I've sorted my belongings out and cut them down by half. It's about 5 boxes, 2 suit cases, and my guitar. It's all half packed up in a section of my room to be shipped to my new address. A big thanks to my friend Stephen Wilson for helping me with shipping. I've a friend who is going to buy my car and someone looking to buy my chest of drawers. Everything else I'm basically just giving away or throwing away. 

Everything here is slowing down. Ever since April 29th when Yahweh told me I'd be moving in June rather than the end of July, everything has felt a little surreal. A lack of sleep might also be a factor, but we won't talk about that. My point is that I can feel this season coming to a close.

I'd like to point out how amazing God is and how he's kept his promise. Five months ago I had no idea what I was doing with my life in the present. A year ago I was freaking out about where I was going to be and what I would be doing. But the Lord had a lot of healing to do in me before we could move forward with "the plan".

My senior year at Birmingham-Southern College, God shut every door that I was accustomed to walking through. They were the doors that worked the years before. It was an easy, more secure route. However, God had other plans. I wasn't passed through the screening auditions for the South Eastern Theatre Conference (a mass audition for acting jobs) when I had made it through the past two years. I didn't feel lead to move back to Texas, and if anything, I was begging God not to make me go back. Everything felt like a dead end.

Sometimes I see images in my mind that are symbolic of where I'm at spiritually. At that time, I saw myself in a circular room surrounded by doors. And every time I tried to walk through a door it would slam shut. I became so angry and afraid, my spirit went kicking and screaming at each door. "LET ME THROUGH!" (I may have screamed a little in real life too... in my car)

I was forced to sit in this room with nothing, and no where to go. So I figured I'd rebel. I mean, if I had to sit around and wait for Him to do something, I might as well have fun to help the time pass. Right? Keep in mind, rebellion for me is like... having a beer, maybe a cigarette, hanging out with people who weren't good for me. But it didn't take long for me to realize how pointless and empty that was. God sent a few people my way to help me back up from where I'd fallen and point me back to Jesus. That's when I realized that Jesus was standing next to me in that circular room the entire time - his arms stretched out, inviting me to know him. I was so focused on needing a purpose that when a plan wasn't immediately given to me, I turned a cold shoulder to God. I had forgotten who it was for in the first place. 

I graduated May 18th and spent the remainder of 2012 discovering who I am in Christ through a series of painful and humbling situations. I had to deal with issues of my Grandfather's health, car issues, financial issues, couch surfing when I didn't have a place to live, there were several relationship issues (one of which was devastating), and for about three months I was working three jobs. I had a day off maybe once every three weeks and really wore myself out. It was a season where the Lord was building my trust and my faith in him to take care of me, along with many smaller, more specific lessons.

During all of that, the question of graduate school was floating around. In late July/early August I began to work on the twenty page application for New York University, Tisch school of the arts, Graduate Musical Theatre Playwriting program. Honestly, it was the only program I wanted to go to, and the only program that I had enough material to meet the requirements of the application. I worked on it very seriously, going in for counseling every few weeks at BSC's career services. But when November hit and I picked up a 3rd job, I gave up. It was too much to handle. I kept hitting walls in the application. So I threw in the towel and fervently said, "I'm not going. No, I'm not going to graduate school. I can't." 

But then January came around and I was panicking.
There's no way I'm staying here... Gotta get out. GET ME OUT.
I opened the file saved "NYUapp" and studied what I had left. It was due in a month.

I think I can do this.

That week I was given a word that I was suppose to go back to school.

Ok God, help me finish the application.

Every single wall I had hit when I gave up in November? They Fell. The deadline for the application was extended ten days. I completed the final exercise the morning it was due to be post marked, took my flash drive to Kinko's, printed it, bound it, and shipped it. The woman who helped me at the post office told me to thank God, because it was already done - I was going to be accepted. Funny, at the time I wrote it off as just a nice religious thing to say.

But...

One week later I received the email inviting me to applicant weekend at Tisch for an interview. It would determine whether or not I was to be accepted or wait listed. A few weeks went by as I made plans for the trip to Manhattan with my friends Stephen and Jessica. I felt so strongly that it was in God's hands. He had everything under control and it wasn't on me to be accepted to the program. I had FAITH that I would be accepted, not because of me - I didn't think I could do it - but because God promised, and because of all he had done leading up to that point. 

The week before the trip, spirits of anxiety and discouragement tried to come against me. But the Lord reassured me the night before we left and said, "Celebrate! I have it taken care of!" I was SHOCKED. I can't believe he shared that with me! 

That night was Motion night at Church of the Highlands and it just so happened that the Pastor of Hillsong New York came and spoke that night. It also just so happened that I was suppose to work that night but, God, see... had my shift mistakenly covered. So I went. Everything Pastor Carl Lentz said that night spoke to exactly where I was. It was about running for God and occupying your street to make a difference. And as he began to prophesy that God was turning over a new leaf, that everything was about to change and there was no going back, the same vision I had of the circular room from over a year before, came back into my mind. And I saw the Lord throwing open a series of doors in front of me. I began to cry and I praised him!

Long story short, applicant weekend was amazing. The interview was relaxed, enjoyable, and I even got to share a bit of my testimony! I got home and the next day I got the email that I was accepted to the program! I was given a wonderful scholarship and the rest (as far as I know) is going to be taken out in loans. I was shooting for the end of July but then Yahweh had something else in mind. He told me June at the end of April and in the last two weeks, everything has been coming together! My job at The Melting Pot here in Birmingham (which was also a complete God thing) has allowed me to be hired at The Melting Pot in Hoboken N.J. just across the shore. I found a place to live, literally 0.6 miles away from Tisch and a 30 min commute to Hoboken. Not to mention that it's a full year sublet so I don't have to go on the lease. I might not have been approved to go on a lease because of my credit and I couldn't afford to sublet and move every few months.

All of these things seemed so impossible a few months ago, but as a friend of mine would say, "But God, see..."

And this is just the beginning. The reason why I wanted to go to school for Musical Theatre Playwriting in the first place is because Yahweh gave me a vision for a touring theatre ministry. I want to take theatre to a whole new level, and use it for his glory! More detail on that in the future.

I wish I could share more but I'm stretching it as it is. There are so many amazing little details that all point to Father God about the transformation in my heart. But the point is, if you take the limits off of God and trust him, he will work miracles. 

Blessed be the name of the Lord. He is greatly to be praised!